A year

This year has been eventful. I don't think I accomplished all I wanted to, but things still happened, I'm not disappointed. 

I've reviewed my resolutions list from last December and I did decently on it.

When I was doing parkour classes there was a time I could see my abs, not a 6 pack or anything, but a flat stomach. Only for a few weeks though... And I still eat far too much sugar. Still working on that. Paying for dental work has been a huge incentive.

I wrote a short piece for my friend's Flash Fiction contest. 

I didn't keep a list of books, but I read a good many, including all the current A Song of Ice and Fire series. I don't think I really cut down much on internet time though. And I added video game time. Rather a lot of it.

During most of the summer, Liam and I hiked about once a week. We camped. I ran on my lunch breaks at work (sometimes.) And we walk daily with his dog. So I accomplished being outside. Still, not as much as I might like.

I have not found a new job, nor have I found a place with which to volunteer.

Too add to my year:

I went to a new country- Canada. Thus completing North America. I used my new passport with my new name.

I took a parkour class and learned the basics of the art so I can strive to be more healthy and fit. I also learned the benefit of minimal shoes even though I always knew I liked being barefoot. I now have 3 pairs: trainers, waterproof hikers and sandals.

I got a very decent raise at work.

I bought a PS3 and became addicted to Assassin's Creed.

Both my dog and my cat were euthanized. They were my childhood pets. I'd had my cat Patrick since the end of 2nd grade and I got Valerie when I was in 5th grade. They lived long lives and were much loved by everyone.

My 'phew and Blaze the golden retriever, Val the cattle dog and Patrick the boneless cat. 

I visited 10 (I think I counted correctly) National Parks after splitting an annual pass with two others. So worth it.

I hiked three 14ers. Hopefully many more this coming year!

I moved in with my boyfriend. It was a good decision. This has been my longest relationship, over two years! Hopefully many more.

So yes, an eventful year. Perhaps next year will be even more so.

As far as resolutions for the coming year, I want to climb at least four14ers.  I want to leave the country. I want to be able to consistently do 30 pushups and 15 pullups. I will also be keeping track of the books I read, I wish to read at least 12,000 pages. Shouldn't be a problem. And I wish to write. An average of 100 words a day. About anything. I am not holding myself to blogging every day or even writing unpublished things each day, but I wish to write more some days to make up for it.

Hold me to it?

Fandom Nostalgia

I've recently restarted communication with an old friend. This has made me remember all of the communication we'd had previously, when I first went to college. I decided to go read all those old email, because, yes, I keep all those sort of things. They made me very nostalgic. And they made me laugh a lot.

The creative emails were generally in script format (and thus not allowed on fanfiction.net). They featured Buc and I as well as a few other randoms from school. And many Lord of the Rings characters at random intervals.

We(she) made up heaps of acronyms about all sorts of things. The most memorable was for those crazy fans who know no reason. We called them RaiFs - Rabid and Insane Fangirls(and boys). They came in hordes whenever Legolas was featured and they screamed "Eeeeeeee" a lot. Lego-Lover was generally their leader. And based off another friend of ours. Example:

Lego-lover- LEGOLAS! there you are! I've been looking for you. You disappeared from my room!

Rabid and Insane Fangirls: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ORLANDO BLOOM! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Legolas: *ponders* who is this Orlando Bloom I keep hearing about. *sees a pack of hungry wolf-like teenaged girls running at him full change and books it.*

RaiF:*have not taken a breath since they have arrived and are chasing Legolas* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

*pass out.*

 *we are not quite sure if it was due from the lack of air or the sight of the "insanely hot guy from lotr and pirates of the Caribbean". we pronounce Caribbean as one word, four syllables. not "care a bee in" {Buc *grumbles at this pronunciation*} *

*when the fangirls faint  a cloud of dust poofs up and everything gets quiet*

Larz: *cough*

On the matter of naming our fandom correspondence:

Larz: *really fast*: inventive imaginary friendly gathering of friends that have technically never met except in our lord of the rings infested minds?

Buc: okaaay. how about we rearrange the letters to make it easier....

Glorfindel: mitmef gitrolf tofont hi. THAT is the name of this place. *looks smug*

Not all of our guests were from Lord of the Rings. There were some Star Wars characters and some from other random fandoms.

At one point we decided we needed to write alternate or deleted scenes from LOTR.

SCENE: Bag End

Frodo: (holds the ring towards the firelight and studies it.)

Gandalf: Can you see any markings on it? (looks a bit concerned)

Frodo: No. There is none. It is quite plain, and it never shows a scratch or sign of wear.

Gandalf: Well then, look! (snatches the ring and tosses it into the fire)

Frodo: (distressed, grabs for the tongs)

Gandalf: Wait! (holds Frodo back with one hand. after a bit takes the tongs from Frodo and picks the ring up out of the fire. holds it out towards Frodo.) It is quite cool, take it!

Frodo: (receives it on his shrinking palm)

Gandalf: Hold it up! And look closely!

Frodo: (holds it up and looks closely.) I cannot read the fiery letters, Gandalf. (shows Gandalf the ring.)

Gandalf: There are few who can. The letters are Elvish, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor which I will not utter here. But this in the common tongue is what is said, close enough: “insert finger here.”

SCENE: Rivendell interrogation room

Arwen: (leans on the table. forgets line…sneaks a peak at her script) What did you see?  You have the gift of foresight. What did you see?

Agent Elrond: I look into your future and I saw death. And asparagus. Slimy kind.

Arwen: But you also saw life. You saw there was a child. You saw my son. He wants me to have him!

Elrond: Oh yes… the asparagus child… That future is almost gone.

Arwen: But it is not lost. Wait. Did you just say asparagus child? You mean that cute little boy isn’t mine?

Elrond: Nothing is certain.

Arwen: Some things are certain. If I leave him now, I will regret it forever. It is time.

Elrond: Leave the asparagus child? I don’t get it.

Arwen: No, silly. Aragorn. What else did you see?

Elrond: I see dead people. And Aragorn, but he’s not dead…yet. Oh! And I even see Bruce Willis. 

SCENE: Gandalf and Pippin riding Shadowfax

Gandalf: (as they top the rise) Minas Tirith!

Pippin: It’s only a model.

Gandalf: (has a flash of future sight, you know, chaos and battle and death.) On second thought, let’s not go to Minas Tirith. It is a silly place. (wheels horse and gallops off.)

SCENE: Minas Tirith Citadel

Denethor: Can you sing Master hobbit?

Pippin: Well… yes. And dance. But we hobbits have no songs for great halls and dangerous times.

Denethor: Why should your songs not be fit for this hall? Sing master Hobbit!

Pippin: (sighs) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows my sorrows...

Denethor: Try something with a little more bounce to it!

Pippin: There’s a lovely bunch of orcs and wargs, bum, bum, bum, standing in a row...

Denethor: bum, bum, bum... (swings his fork – wait! No, a piece of meat to the time)

Pippin: Big ones, small ones, some the size of your head! (under breath) I’d never have to do this if Aragorn were king.

Denethor: What did you say?

SCENE: Cracks of Doom

Frodo: (peers over the edge) I cannot do this thing. It is mine, my own, my precious!

Gollum: (sneaks in) NO! We wants it! Precioussss!

Frodo: You cannot have it!

Gollum: (in a deep voice) Frodo! I am your father!

Frodo: NO!!!!! (puts on the ring)

SCENE: THE CORONATION/WEDDING

Gandalf: (performing ceremony in a very monotone and obnoxious voice) Mawage! Mawage is wot bwings us togeva today! (and so forth. Finally turns to Frodo) Have you da wing?

Frodo: (looks around, confused.) You told me to cast it into the fire!

Aragorn: (angry) Where is the ring?

(chaos erupts)

  

So there you have it. Thanks for joining me on my silly nostalgic journey.

 

Holiday

I rather like that I will get paid quite a lot for working today. Holidays at work are always pretty easy. First, we don't have a time constraint because we don't open to the public. Second, we tend to get a lot of volunteers, so we have many people helping and the work goes quickly. Not always smoothly of course, some volunteers get rather territorial.

I yearn for a holiday that I can spend with my boyfriend. No more dealing with unsympathetic and even hostile family members. No more traveling and being apart.

I've spent this Christmas with Ezio, rebuilding Rome. 

Did I mention that as a present from my parents (mum) this year, I got a bill? I don't really want to rant about it, but it wasn't very nice of her. 

Update on my new Vivos. They are cold. If I'm not wearing thick (smartwool) socks. And when I'm not moving. If the ground is cold, there just isn't much separating my feet from it, so I have to keep moving. Keep friction going. Haven't tried them snowshoeing yet, hopefully this coming weekend. I'm not worried.

Word of the Day

decathect \dee-kuh-THEKT\, verb:
To withdraw one's feelings of attachment from (a person, idea, or object), as in anticipation of a future loss


Before I wrote my 'coming out' letter to my parents, I made sure I was financially stable on my own and I even decathected from them in case the news was not taken well. Even though it wasn't taken well, I needn't have gone so far.

one of my most favorite words

whinge \hwinj\, verb:

To complain; whine.

Whinge is a Northern variant of the Old English word hwinsian meaning, "to whine."    

This word is almost onomatopoeia. I have loved it since I first heard it sometime in high school.


Quit yer whinging, Larry! We ent 'ad naught but mouldy bread fer days, neither.

My Weakness

 I don't have an overabundance of gay attributes, but I embody a couple gay stereotypes. One is obvious: the whole liking of men thing. Another is that I'm incredibly fond of new items of clothing. I like to think I'm not a very material sort of person. I try to be fairly minimal, but new stuff is a weakness. Usually, I only get new stuff when I need it.

So, new shoes. I have recently become aware of minimalist footwear, and since I prefer bare feet anyway, it was an easy step to make switching over from traditional footwear. However, it's expensive. But I needed new hiking/winter boots, and I finally found the waterproof Vivos on the Clymb for about half price, so I went for it.

I love them. I cannot wait to try them with gators snowshoeing. I'll need to wear some nice thick socks though, it's bound to be a bit more chilly without so much sole for insulation.

A review of sorts by one who doesn't like to read reviews

There are possible/probable spoilers for The Hobbit here, especially if you're like me and don't like reading reviews before watching the film. 

I watch movies I'm interested in without first (or ever) reading reviews about them. I feel that reading such things before the film makes me think too much about what positives and negatives were previously pointed out.

Thus, I did not read anything about The Hobbit until after seeing it. And it seems that a lot of critics were rather harsh.

I agree that it may have been hyped up a bit much. It's a prequel to one of the highest grossing trilogies of all time, not to mention most Academy Awards. The technology is cutting edge, but you might not actually know that unless they told you. And they did. But I think that technology is supposed to be a support, so not noticing it is actually the point. And yes, Jackson and the team did embellish Tolkien's story quite a bit.  However, not as much with non-canon material so much as delving into extended histories of Middle-Earth. So the film didn't follow the book verbatim, but was supplemented with many things from more obscure works. In this way I think it catered more to the dedicated fans more than the casual viewer.

I loved the extra lore and character depth. I loved the flashbacks. I love New Zealand as a backdrop. And I love Bilbo.

When I was quite young my mom read The Hobbit to my brother and me. Bilbo was always a very dear character to me. And when I read it myself and then went on to The Lord of the Rings, I was actually disappointed that Bilbo was not also the protagonist of LOTR. I found him much more personable and not so afflicted with martyrdom as Frodo.  Martin Freeman certainly did not disappoint as Bilbo. I am very fond of the actor (my car is even named after him.) Though I do wish he'd get done with this Hobbit business and go back to Sherlock.

I really appreciate how they made each Dwarf as unique as possible. It's still hard (impossible?) to keep them all separate, but at least I can tell which is Thorin and also who Fili and Kili are, as they were always my favorite. Also Aidan Turner as Kili is totally hot. I really liked the interactions of Thorin and Bilbo and how their relationship is progressing.

Details I'm glad were added/retained in the Hobbit:

"Is it scrumptious? Is it crunchable?" Gollum says "scrumptiously crunchable" in the book, but it is possibly my favorite Gollum line.

The stone Giants. I wondered if they were too far-fetched for Peter Jackson's version of Middle Earth. After all, they're reminiscent of the rockbiters in Neverending Story. But I liked them nonetheless.

Radagst. He's not actually in the Hobbit book more than just a brief mention, but I always liked him from his brief appearance in The Fellowship of the Ring (book). In this film I'm assuming he's meant to take the place of Beorn, which makes me a bit sad. I enjoy a good skinchanger, especially of the bear variety. I wonder why they figured rock giants were a go, but not skinchangers. Regardless, Radagst serves nearly the same role in the film as Beorn did in the book, but without Gandalf's ingenious introduction of 13 dwarves to him.

The mention of the other two wizards. I like that Gandalf even said he didn't remember the names of the blue wizards. Alatar and Pallando, by the way. They're only mentioned in order to note that they left and no one has seen or heard from them since.
 
I cannot wait to see more of Smaug and the Elves of the Green Wood.
I've yet to go back to see it in 3D- as it was intended to be seen. I can tell that the cinematography would be even more spectacular in this mode.So perhaps I'll write even more later

Oh, and I still want a warg.

EDIT: December 16

I saw The Hobbit in 3D and it was certainly meant to be seen in 3D. Nothing of my review has changed except the fact that Beorn is almost surely going to be in the next film, as that's how the flow of events in the book are and the company seem to have ended up on the Carrock at the end of Unexpected Journey, which I didn't really notice the first time around. So perhaps I should have done a little research before making assumptions. 

I try not to disparage my employment on the internet. I mean, at least I have employment, and I'd like to keep it that way.

But there are some days when I wish I could just leave and never return. I dread coming in five days a week, I really do. There are many reasons. The main one is that I feel wasted. I am in debt for a degree I've yet to use. My brain is slowly turning to soup due to disuse.

Another reason is that this is not necessarily my choice of job anyhow. I applied because I was qualified, and now I am not qualified to do anything but work with animals.

My department is arguably the backbone of the shelter. We do all the cleaning and directly care for every animal. However, it seems that all the other departments think we're just there to clean up their messes. The shelter is changing it's hours, making it so that we have 3 hours fewer each week to finish cleaning before patrons come in. We are under-staffed; not because we don't have it in the budget to hire more people, but because we aren't allowed to do so until summer.

There are several other factors I could add, but I refuse to list names and point fingers more than I already have. What I have written is plenty.

All of this adds up to some very stressed, frustrated and resentful employees. Myself included.

I dislike my situation, but I cannot afford to quit. I need a replacement job that pays at least as much as I'm making. I'm not making heaps, but it's enough. I would like to have a job I actually like, though I'm not actually sure what that would be.

So I continue in this drudgery. And I feel like I'm losing bits of myself to this tired place*.

*Some lyrics from Cold Truth, Guggenheim Grotto

fluffy love

Love is falling from the sky and I haven't any boots.

This is not a metaphor. I'm talking about snow. And it's about damn time!

But seriously, I don't have snowboots. However, I did find a pair of water resistant Vivobarefoot boots for about half price. I can wear them with gators and tear up this fluffy, cold love!

I love winter. I don't much like driving when there's snow, but only because so few people know how to handle it, and I'm constantly on edge for cars sliding through stop signs and the like. And I don't like how dark and short winter days are. Besides that, I love winter more than most things.

I love breathing air so cold it makes my nose hairs stick together. I love when the day-old snow creaks under my feet. I love splashing through fresh powder. I love letting my breath fog my glasses. I love flannel-lined jeans and scarves and warm hats. I love coming in to a warm house and feeling the flush on my cheeks. I love drinking hot chocolate with some irish cream added.

Don't fail me now, snow. Don't be a tease. I'm counting on you to chase these 70 degree days far away.

I think my brain is atrophying. I have been going back and editing posts because I've made stupid typos or spelling errors. Even though I do (usually) proofread before I publish.

I haven't really had to use my brain much in a very long time. I've been out of school for almost five years, and there's little evidence I used my brain even when I was in school.

I try to keep it honed by reading a lot. And by doing sudoku and kakuro puzzles. Occasionally, I engage in a deep and intricate conversation. But I haven't really stretched my brain in ages. I don't know how to actually, it's just bored and it's making me feel slow and daft.

There's just so much going on all the time, and yet I'm almost always bored.

I don't seem to ever have the time to write like I know I need to. I don't have the quiet room. The patience. The attention span. It's like having too much energy, but being forced to stay seated (which also happens to me all too frequently.) I have all of these things inside me that would love to escape onto a page, but I hold them back because it's easier. Or I don't want to deal with it. Or something.

To be honest, I don't know. I don't know anything.

I have no discernible course for my life. All I know is that while it's not actually bad, it's not really what I want.


I need an adventure. I wish I had the energy to go find one.

A Real Friend

I miss him more than I can express. Through all the long years, though all the silent spells and the distance, there was always a chance of reconnection. I don't know that there is now.

We met when I was about 14, and he a year older. We were junior councilors at a bible camp. The staff was small, so we few became fast friends for the four or five summers we worked at the camp.

He moved to Denver before me. And I knew he was having a rough time of it. He often couldn't afford a phone, and this was before it was easy to access the internet. We found one another after I came to the area for university. He would occasionally sit in on a class or two.

Our conversations were always intriguing. He was crass, not at all PC and an aspiring comedian. However, his intelligence really knew no bounds. He may not have done well in school, but he knew how to think. We would have conversations about religion, politics and other random things. Many overhearing us might surmise we were on drugs, but we never did that together. He was almost uncomfortably touchy in the beginning. But it was okay with me.

Things began to change toward the end of my undergrad. He was attending a Messianic synagogue, and I was dabbling in queerness. We were finding ourselves.

I came out to him shortly after I graduated. He took it well enough. I don't know if he was surprised or not, but he didn't leave me. He was against all of it because of his beliefs, but it didn't really change our relationship. We had many more deep conversations regarding my transition and how I felt about religion and the like. There was never a question of whether or not we'd still be friends.

He was Messianic for some time, studying and truly trying to fit his life into the structure of religion. He  ended up abandoning all pretense of Christianity and decided to take the plunge and convert to Hasidic Judaism. 

Essentially, he had to come out to his friends and family as a "non-believer", which is a big deal. Of course it was no sweat for me to accept, as I didn't really have a religious stance. But many of his friends abandoned him because of his decision. Many condemned him for remaining friends with me.

Throughout all this time, we never really saw much of each other. Each of us was busy working and socializing. I was in a relationship and working out the effects of testosterone. He was studying and absorbing all sorts of texts pertaining to conversion. Occasionally, his phone wouldn't work.

But we made sure to grab a beer every now and then. Catch up. Chat.

Things did change. He stopped touching people. It was a religious thing, men weren't supposed to touch women, and apparently I still counted. I respected his uncertainty. But I miss those hugs.

He realized that in order to fully convert, he'd have to leave Denver. He had his tattoos removed. He stayed on the Western Slope with his mom for a few months to save money, then he moved to New York.

Earlier this year, one of my oldest friends left without saying goodbye.

I realize it was probably easiest to do that. To take the plunge and never look back. That doesn't stop me from missing him.

Why does googling "writing prompts" not work? I don't want to do a word of the day every day, especially when the words are boring. but I want to write more regularly. And I want to write creatively.

WotD

rime \RAHYM\, noun:

A coating of tiny, white, granular ice particles, caused by the rapid freezing of water droplets.

(nonfiction)

The stars were brilliant on account of being unpolluted by any surrounding light. Lack of electricity in rural Mexico was good for that at least. I could hear the occasional bark of feral dogs carrying across the canyons. But it was easy to sleep, the steady breathing of my classmates and exhaustion after a long day of digging helped.

I awoke early- "Is 6 am, where is my breakfast?" Carlos jokingly prodded us with his feet. On the outside of my sleeping bag a rime of frost twinkled in the morning sun.

I think I'm going to start back up with the word of the day. It'll at least be writing again.

Thankful?

I try to stay out of heated debates of any variety, especially religious and political ones.

But I was a Global Studies major and politics and religion are certainly part of that study.

I don't like making people mad. I don't care if people don't agree with me. I'd just as soon keep my opinions to myself.

But the news.

And I've waited until it's (sorta) over to even touch this. But I cannot resist, because it hurts me.

Yes, I'm talking about Israel/Palestine.

And I don't know what to say other than it hurts me. It hurts me that there is death at all, but it hurts especially that the 150+ people seem not to be counted as much as the 5. It hurts me that people take sides because of religion, and not because of humanity.

I will not argue about what is 'right'. None of it is right. I have this grandiose notion that people should just be able to get along.

Why are people so stubborn? Why is it that there can be only one right way in some minds? Why do deaths not matter unless they are on 'your' side?

I don't have a solution to the shit-show that is the Middle East (pardon that language.) I just know that it hurts me. I wish I did know how to help. Perhaps I need to go back to school. Become a diplomat. A relief/aid worker. Something. Anything but watching helplessly and hopelessly.

Today, I'm thankful that there is a ceasefire in Palestine/Israel, however tenuous it may be. I am glad that it was reached even though both sides did not get what they demanded.

I'm going to write about not writing. Again.

I don't want to do anything. I haven't been eating well. Or exercising. Just reading a bit on my lunch breaks. And playing video games. And losing myself in the myriad quagmires of the internet (tumblr.)

It's been sort of therapeutic. I should probably take a break from most of the internet, not just my wiritng

Anyhow. I will get back to it. I'll find some nice prompts or something and I'll start it off again. Just as soon as I can get out of this slump.

I should write. And I want to. About Cloud Atlas. About the books I've been reading. About anything.

But I just can't seem to. This is the most for awhile.

30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

Wow, 10?

1. Kindness.
2. Honesty.
3. Sense of fun.
4. Ridiculous good-looks?
5. Wisdom.
6. Trivial knowledge.
7. Amazing parkour skills.
8. A bestselling novel. Or a known published work at least.
9. Advocate for those in need.
10. Fighting for what I love.

29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?

Hmm, I think a lot of people don't get me because I'm very introverted and not very open about actual things. I think that a whole lot of people don't quite understand the trans thing. Not that a whole lot of people ask me about it or really try to get it. Most just accept it and move on, which is nice. But I can tell that many people have questions that they don't know how to ask, or if they should. And this is added to another misconception I believe people have of me. People don't think they can approach me and ask me things or just talk. In reality, others approaching me is the only way I'll talk. I'm not a first move type. And I'll seriously answer any question that's not completely inappropriate.

I don't want to write. My head is all messed up. I feel okay. I seem to function all right, but I cannot force myself to do anything that's good for me. I cannot eat well. I cannot excercise. I cannot write, or even read. Only sleep. And stare at screens. Only trudge through my work days in a stupor.

I feel empty.

28. What is your love language?

I remember taking this test in high school. Had to do it again even though I pretty much could have figured it.

There are 5 love languages (apparently.) Mine rank as such:

Quality time
Physical Touch
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Words of affirmation


Nothing surprising there, I hope.

27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?

Well, I'm a fan of my brain, how it works and the like. But physically, I guess I enjoy my arms and shoulders. I like that there are muscles there.

I already failed. Except that I posted over 200 words on the first, so perhaps skipping the second wasn’t so bad.

Anyhow, there is an excuse. I went camping. Yes, it’s November. And yes, it was cold. We camped near Nederland in my Pathfinder. It was Zorro’s first camping trip. He was very confused to be allowed to sleep so near us. Really, too near us. It was a bit crowded to say the least. But it was good. We woke up to ice on the insides of the windows from our collective breathing.

Our intention was to snowshoe, but since there was not a scrap of snow at the trailhead, we decided to simply hike. Turns out we probably should have carried the snowshoes for later. We ended up losing the trail and wading through 8 inch drifts. Oops. Also, we never quite made it to the lake.

It was a good trip anyhow and now we have a very exhausted dog as well as two rather tired people. 

Word count: 170

26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?

Hmm, this is fun. I'm sure the world has a lot of notions wrong. World Peace. Homeopathic remedies. Green energy? But just because they may (or may not) be wrong doesn't mean that they aren't good to pursue.

Anyhow, for kicks, since I have some notions myself, I'll tackle the queer issue. It seems that most of the world doesn't like us. Says we're unnatural and abominable-- er, abominations. It's just dumb logic. And I have heaps of sources refuting it. Why can't people just keep to themselves and let others do what they damn well please?

(also, Twa, I swear I didn't steal this from you! I've been drafting these posts many days in advance the whole time. But it's a good one, regardless.)

25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

This is hard. I mean, several people come to mind, but I don't really have any dead heros.

I'll just go with Oscar Wilde because he was flaming and hilarious. We wouldn't eat potatoes. And I would decline his modest proposal of eating babies. 

Day 1

Halloween. Hallowe'en. All Hallow's Eve. Etc.

I don't have a very strong connection to it. Which is not to say I don't like candy and dressing up.

I grew up in a very Christian home. When I was quite little, my parents allowed us to dress up and go collect candy from neighbors and families from our church. We were never allowed to be anything scary though. I was a cat once. Then a tiger. I remember my brother as a clown (which really is scary!) And once as Dick Tracey. And I guess that's it. I remember exactly two Halloweens as a child.

Then my parents, and my small Christian school, decided that good people don't celebrate that particular holiday. So my mom just bought us candy every year instead. I was happy enough.

In college though, even a Christian university, everyone was back into dressing up. Firstly, there was Chipotle. If you dressed like a burrito (wore any scrap of foil) you got a free burrito. It was great. So I did that. Every year.

My housemates and I had a party the year after I graduated. But I wasn't really even big on that. People got drunk and went all out on costumes and everything. I just wore my cloak (was a hobbit?) and ate candy.

And a year or so following that, I wore the same cloak and went to a party as a Jedi.

This year, even though I did nothing at all last night, I did make a costume for going out the previous weekend. I was Altair from Assassin's Creed.

words: 267

24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.

I had a good childhood. Two parents who quite apparently loved one another. An older brother who wasn't so old as to be unrelatable.  We hiked and camped and played board games. Went to church most Sundays. Ate breakfast and dinner together. My brother and I each had sets of chores. Feeding the animals. Raking grass. Taking trash out. Doing dishes. After dinner we'd have a sort of family Bible reading and prayer. Until high school neither my my brother nor I got into much trouble. Then he did. I feel that a lot of expectation rested on me. I went to college, unlike my brother. I refrained from having a kid, unlike my brother. I didn't get addicted to drugs, unlike my brother. I didn't move back in, unlike my brother. However, unlike my brother, I decided to transition and break my mother's heart. I'm almost certain that's what's happened. We don't talk about it at all anymore. My parents and I are still able to have intelligent and meaningful conversations, but we skip the things that are most important. And I don't think that's a bad thing. It's just a survival thing. I'm glad that they haven't decided to never speak to me. I'm glad they've stopped trying to stop me from being myself. Hopefully someday they'll see me as I am.

23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.

1. Reading. It is my soul food.
2. Parkour. I like to be able to manipulate my own body. (except right now I can't)
3. Writing. It's the only way I feel I can actually communicate. I'm not very good at speaking to people, so my emotions often get left out of conversations. But they end up on paper. And on the internet.
4. Video Games. I like to waste some time. Also I like to play out good story lines. I don't like games that are only about shooting things. I like platforming games and ones with puzzles to solve and places to explore.
5. Hiking. I love to get out of the city and away from (most) people. I like to breathe fresh air, use my legs, see the natural world.

I've been trying not to post more than once a day. I realized that with the Q and A plus word of the day plus random journal musing, I was overrunning everyone.

So. Here is the first double post in some time.

This is the first week of my return to a 5 day work week.
Pros:
I get to sleep in a bit in the mornings.
I don't ever drive to work in the dark (and I won't all winter!)
I get to spend a bit of time with my boyfriend in the morning.
I can (and should) exercise in the mornings.
I spend only 8 hours a day at work, so it makes the days fly by. Mostly.

Cons:
I have to work on Thursday, which means I only get a 2 day weekend.


Though the list of pros may be bigger than the cons list, the con list wins. Seriously, how can one compare a few hours in the mornings to an entire day? One can't. Hopefully I'll be allowed to switch back to four tens soon.


Back to the talk of multiple posts: because November is starting, I'll be posting 100 words of so of writing each day. The Q and As don't count because I wrote them up ahead of time. So be prepared.

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?


5. I don't know. Hopefully not at this job. Hopefully doing something somewhat fulfilling with at least one more country visited.  Hopefully still with my boyfriend. That'd be awesome.

10. Yeah, I don't know. Perhaps moved somewhere. Hopefully with a real job. With a real plan.

15. Fulfilled.

21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?

It would be a toss up between flying and teleporting.Probably teleporting it would save a lot of time and money on my travels.

20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

It started at a very young age. Five. Six. And continued until puberty. I grew up in a very Christian home. Church almost every week. Prayers. Bible reading. Christian school. Every night I prayed. I prayed for sick people. For unbelievers. And for God to make me a boy. Every single night. And every morning I'd awake to disappointment. It took me almost 20 years to take matters into my own hands.

It was the day before Valentine's Day, 1997. I was at a local stock show trying to sell tickets to a school fundraiser. A man brought a box of puppies and set them next to us. He told us that we had to give them away. He wasn't coming back for them. Of course we all wanted one. We held them all day and played with them. Somehow I convinced my dad that I should be able to bring one home to show my mother. We only had one dog at the time. I'd taken a liking to the runt. She was just over half as small as her brothers and sisters. And she loved her pink belly to be rubbed. Of course, when I got her home to show my mom, there was no going back. I called her Valerie. She lived until last year. She was a fantastic and smart little dog.

I was 10 when we built the house. Construction took place in the winter so that my dad didn't spend too much time away from actual work. I remember "helping" as I often did on his construction jobs. I would clean up debris and the like. However, because it was winter, the decks would have to be shoveled until they put a huge tarp over the whole hole. The big heaters that kept everything a good temperature made the tarp billow up. From afar, I could only see mounds of snow covered dirt around the foundations and a round plastic bubble. It was great fun. And fun to move into a brand new house. I realize that not a whole lot of people get that opportunity.

19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

I'm actually more than happy here in Colorado. I think the weather is amazing (mostly. except for the 90+ in the summer.) I love the mountains and I love living in a real city. I love the people are generally nice and usually accepting of most everything. 


However, I've always wanted to at least visit New Zealand and also Iceland. I don't think I could live in Iceland for very long because I don't like darkness for so long. Also, I like trees and there aren't any there.

But New Zealand is perfect. Mountains. Green things. Ocean. Kiwi accents. Oh, and Lord of the Rings.

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

I actually forgive fairly easily. I cannot really think of anything. Unless of course this coming election goes awry.

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

There are 2 things and I'm not sure which I want more. Parkour or writing. 

16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

1. I graduated college. When I was in high school, I didn't even want to go to college. I'm glad I did, even though a bachelor's now means almost nothing.
2. I climbed Mt. Elbert. It was awesome to stand on the highest point in Colorado.
3. I decided to take the plunge and medically transition. I was on the fence for quite a long time, trying to reconcile my past, religion, family etc. It was the best decision I've ever made.
4. I've traveled internationally. It seems like most people want to travel, but often don't get the chance to. I don't have the means to travel much these days, but I am glad that I've been to 5 countries besides my own.
5. I have worked at a shelter for over 3 years and I have never adopted an animal. (It doesn't count that my boyfriend has.)

15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

Well, the first thing that comes to mind is a fox, obviously. I feel some sort of connection to them. I wrote a lot about why when I first got my Celtic fox tattoo.

However, I don't think that's the animal I'd like most to be. I want to be a kestrel. They are a rather small bird of prey, but still really badass. Most importantly, they fly. That's the best part. 

14. Describe 5 strengths you have.

1. I tell the truth. Pretty much always if you ask the right questions. 
2.I try to see the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. I won't let anyone take advantage of that for long, but you've got my initial respect.
3. I like to think I'm a good judge of character. This doesn't generally affect how I treat a person, but it often affects how often I want to be around them.
4. I'm a good listener, or a try to be. I'm patient.
5. I like to learn and I retain a lot of what I know. I try not to be pompous about my knowledge, but I do know a lot of things about a lot of subjects.

13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

1. sugary foods. I find it almost impossible to resists sweets.
2. buying underwear. I know it's sort of odd. Or perhaps it's just typical gay guy behavior. But I love fun and colorful boxer briefs. 
3. social awkwardness. I don't make friends very quickly. First impressions of me are often not very good. I don't talk much to people unless I know them. I avoid eye contact. I hang out in corners. I'm awkward.
4. procrastination. It's not as huge a problem now that I'm no longer a student, but I still push things back for longer than I probably should. Like job applications for instance.
5. apathy. I don't care about much, even when I should. Or when I do care, I don't care enough to do anything about it.

12. Describe a typical day in your current life.


At 625 my phone alarm goes off. It's "Teardrop" by Massive Attack (the theme song for the show House.) I shut it off and roll over to cuddle my boyfriend.

At 635 the second one goes off and I get up. I go to the bathroom. Dress. I make lunch. Eat breakfast. Shortly after 700 I kiss the boy goodbye and head for work.

I clock into work at the shelter at 730. I often don't know beforehand which area I'm assigned to. If it's dogs, I have to move them out of their kennels and completely clean each kennel. For cats, I have to sort of clean around them. This takes most of the day. I have a few 15 minute breaks. I listen to music on my iPod. I occasionally talk to coworkers. I text. I take my lunch break around 1330 or so. The latter part of the day is usually just maintaining cleanliness of the kennels and areas.

At 1800 I clock out and head home. I usually don't stop anywhere on the way home. My boyfriend is in law school in the evenings so I eat dinner and play Assassin's Creed for a few hours until he returns. Sometimes we go for a run. Mostly we just do some things on the internet and then watch an episode of Supernatural and go to sleep between 2300 and midnight.

And repeat.

11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

1. Messiness. I can handle it for awhile, it's not a big deal, but it does irk me somewhere deep inside.
2. Barking dogs. Especially little, yappy ones. They're annoying. I deal with them every day and I don't want to run into them when I'm not working.
3. Noisy or unmanaged children.
4. Internet/text lingo. There is no reason to abbreviate everything. And making up words is only cool if you're Joss Whedon.
5. People who insist on arguing. I won't do it. I run into this most on tumblr. And with my mother.
6. I hate when people leave trash in my car. I like to keep it clean. If I'm giving you a ride, do the same.
7. When my text messages go unanswered. Pay attention to me!
8. People who smoke indoors. The constant smell of stale cigarette smoke.
9. People who think they can write, but who really can't. (I'm also a little scared I may be one of them.)
10. The economy as related to grads. I have a degree, I shouldn't have to work for minimum wage. But I have a useless degree unless I get a masters.

My boyfriend now has a dog named fox, well, Zorro. He's pretty cool.

First hike for Zorro and first hike of winter for us.

10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.

That crushing feeling in my chest. I hold my breath and turn away. It's usually when I say something dumb. I cannot think of a recent instance, but I do recall one from my childhood.

My family was staying at a hotel somewhere and it had a pool, so we were playing in it. My parents, however, were in the hot tub. I begged my dad several times to come to the pool and play with me, but so far he hadn't moved. So I was playing by myself in the shallow part and then I saw him coming over! I was excited and ran to him hugging him. But it wasn't him. It was a very confused and uncomfortable man who just so happened to also have black swim trunks.

I think I died then.

9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.

1. My dad. He's a very strong person, physically and in character. He wanted to be an artist, but for practicality, he went for carpentry instead. He says it's still artistic, building things. Designing things. But I know it's a sacrifice he made so that my brother and I might be able to choose something other than hard labor. He's very good with people. Always knows just the right things to say to make most everyone like him, even if he doesn't like them. He knows how to motivate people.

2. My high school English and Economics teacher. Mr. P's classes were always riveting. He furthered my love of literature and introduced me to The Power of One, one of my favorite books. Even in Economics, a subject that isn't particularly easy, he pushed me to excel. He was also extremely outdoorsy. He hiked and climbed and biked and everything. He was inspiring.

3-5 Several professors in college. They made learning worthwhile. (I know, it's lazy not to actually list them.)

6. My brother. He made most of the mistakes before me, so I could make different ones. And not ones that are as detrimental.

7. Orson Scot Card. He's a writer. A good one, in my opinion. And no, I don't agree with his politics, but I very much like his stories and he inspires me to write similarly.

8. My very good friend who used to be my roommate and once my girlfriend. (I just don't like using names.) She is a very strong person who's dealt with a whole lot of adversity. She's also the kindest person I know.

9. Joss Whedon. His characters regardless of gender, age, race, sexuality are all strong and important and wonderfully written. I want to make characters like that.

10. All trans people. The ones that I aspire to be like and even the ones I disagree with. I've gained perspective and insight from each of them. 


EDIT: 10/19 I definitely forgot to as Mayra, the nurse in Mexico that I lived with for a month or so. She's incredibly dedicated and the most inspirational person I've ever met. I miss her. 

8. What are 5 passions you have?

1. Parkour. I'd love to learn the discipline to get my body into so perfect shape. To manipulate my own weight. To treat the world as my playground.

2. Travel. I want to see new things. I want to smell things, taste things, take photos, make connections, help people, learn things. Find myself.

3. Writing. I have so many worlds in my head. So many characters. But I find it difficult to let them spill out. I don't know how to organize a plot. I don't know how to discipline myself to actually write. It used to come so naturally...

4. Helping people. That's broad. And I'm not good at people.

5. Photography. Photos almost never tell the actual tale. Showing a friend a photo I took may be neat, but they won't actually get the experience. My photos are for me. They are memories, reminders. I see a photo of something and I can recreate the time and place. I can reminisce. 

7. What is your dream job, and why?

If I knew this, I'd be striving for it. What I do know is that my current job is not it.

My dream job would utilize my Global Studies degree. I would be able to travel freely to many interesing places around the world. Not as a tourist, but getting to know people. Helping where needed. Using my hands and my ears mostly.

I'd also love to write on the side. Meaningful things. Fun things. Most of all: complete things. Perhaps get a a little recognition and even compensation for said things. 

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

I don't actually have much hardship in my life. But the thing that sticks out is the events on and around Christmas Eve 2009.

I'd been seeing her since my birthday (mid October). I'd liked her since I met her, a year or so before. We shared friends. We shared a place of work originally. We shared many interests. But I was young and eager and I gave too much of myself. She didn't want it so it went to waste. Christmas Eve was the breaking point. We tried to be friends a bit after that. But my conflicted feelings were in the way. And then she grew suspicious that I was stalking her or something. Needless to say, we don't talk anymore.

The reason it is so difficult for me is because I don't like leaving things unresolved. I don't like not being friends with a person after I've given them something of myself.  I hate that I was accused of something I'd never do. After being completely honest with her all the time, she still doubted me.

It is well behind me now, but it occasionally still makes me seethe. Sometimes I want to make things right. Talk to her. Be friends again. Other times I want to yell at her and tell her how horrible she actually is underneath the facade. But mostly I don't think about her at all. And I am happy.

Royal Gorge

Took a nice drive on a nice day to the Royal Gorge. I've lived in Colorado all my life and in Denver for over 8 years and I'd never been.

Also, I'm not even a little afraid of heights. I'm not the type who loves to jump off heights, as I hate the falling feeling, but I don't mind being up there. Anyhow, it was cool. Probably not quite worth the admission ticket, but the company was well worth it and it was a grand day.

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1. Fall. I love the cool weather and the colors more than anything.
2. Headed down to the Royal Gorge today. I've never been.
3. Lying next to a lovely body. (Living body, just for clarification.)
4. I got Assassin's Creed and it's amazing. I shall now waste my life even more.
5. Last night we sang old hymns at a pub. That was fun and the hymns were rather nostalgia-full.

draggle \DRAG-uhl\, verb:

1. To soil by dragging over damp ground or in mud.
2. To trail on the ground; be or become draggled.
3. To follow slowly; straggle.

The small girl's doll made it safely on the journey, draggled though she became. 

I feel. Icky. Or something. I need to be active again. But sitting in front of the computer or playing video games and eating is just so much easier. I get tired of being active at work all the time. But currently I rather loathe my body. I mean, I often do anyhow, but it's hard to have it be double.

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

1. There is a reason you are uncomfortable in women's clothing. There is nothing wrong with you.
2. Mom thinks you're depressed, perhaps you should be more social instead of living in your head and in books. Or not.
3. Make the most out of owning a horse. Raindrop will be sold before you go to college.
4. Try not to eat so much candy. The addiction only gets worse, and dental work is costly.
5. Make a habit of push-ups, sit-ups and other exercises. It'll be handy later.
6. You don't have to choose a Christian college. It's okay if you do, but you actually don't have to.
7. Don't get stuck in a job you don't like. Choose wisely.
8. Save every penny. It's hard to travel when you're not sponsored by the church. Also, surgery is expensive.
9. Don't throw out Dad's old patched jacket. You'll regret it.
10. Be careful with people and your heart. Don't give it to anyone who doesn't want it.

Word of the day will be on hiatus until the words are more easily able to be used in a sentence. They have been words that describe parts of language and rather useless of themselves.

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

Strained at best. They haven't really taken to the idea that I'm trans. I've always got on very well with my dad. And he is very kind and generous. He makes an effort to use my new name. My mom and I are not similar enough to get along very well. She likes to argue and gets more angry when I refuse to. She makes a concerted effort to use female pronouns and my given name as often as possible. We do, however tend to talk on the phone about once a week. But mostly we don't talk about anything important. Just the weather.

anacoluthon \an-uh-kuh-LOO-thon\, noun:

1. A construction involving a break in grammatical sequence, as It makes me so—I just get angry.
2. An instance of anacoluthia.

Perhaps on these I'll write an example instead of using the word in a sentence. But not today. I may leave off on these until after the 30 days questionnaire.  Or just do interesting ones. 

Routine bores me.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.


1. Change. I don't know exactly how this came to be. I never thought of myself as a creature of habit, but at the thought of leaving what I know and starting fresh, I am afraid. Working on changing this. I like the idea of spontaneity.

2. Falling. I'm not afraid of heights. I don't really get vertigo, but I do not like rides and such that involve free-fall. I don't like the feeling of not being in control. Amusement parks are far from amusing for me.

3. Being alone. I realize this is rather irrational, but I do fear that someday all of my friends will realize I'm daft and peace out.

catachresis \kat-uh-KREE-sis\, noun:

Misuse or strained use of words, as in a mixed metaphor, occurring either in error or for rhetorical effect.

I actually am completely at a loss as to how to use this in a sentence. I could possibly think of using it's definition, but I don't know how to use the word. Lately the words have been a bit difficult. I'll do better when it's not so late. 

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

1. I have 3 tattoos of Icelandic words.
2. The only thing I'm actually truly afraid of is change.
3. Patrick, the cat I got when I was in 2nd grade, is still alive at my parent's house.
4. I'm not very good at flirting.
5. Fall is my favorite season.
6. I really like Great Danes, but I don't think I could ever afford to own one.
7. I have a large collection of plush foxes and figurines.
8. I pick my cuticles incessantly and I hate it.
9. I long to go back to the Copper Canyon in Mexico.
10. I have a 12 year old nephew.
11. Today I sliced my thumb on a cat food can at work.
12. It is extremely hard for me to motivate myself to do anything other than eat and sit in front of a screen.
13. I really like taking photos. I wish I was better at it.
14. I hate that some 'friends' tend to disappear.
15. My favorite color is purple, closely followed by orange.
16. I've never broken a bone.
17. I used to own a replica Elvish sword from the Lord of the Rings films.
18. I also used to own a replica leather browncoat from Firefly.
19. I adore Ewan McGregor.
20. I fear I'll never use my degree. 

Okay, so in order to prompt my writing I've stolen this list from a friend. When we get to November I'll either post more than once a day or count it towards the 100 words. So, for the next 30 days I'll answer one of these questions. Starting today. In the next post.

List:

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy
right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

apophasis  \uh-POF-uh-sis\, noun:

Denial of one's intention to speak of a subject that is at the same time named or insinuated, as “I shall not mention Caesar's avarice, nor his cunning, nor his morality.”

 "My brother is neither lewd nor an alcoholic" his apophasis was clear, the girl left. 

Going 'home' was uneventful. I did, however, get to see my 'phew. I haven't seen him for about a year and a half. He's 12 now. My mom once said something about not letting me see him, but apparently changed her mind or forgot. We don't have a connection anymore since I don't see him regularly. And I have changed, I'm sure he realizes that. I wonder what my parents and his parents say about me...

I post a sentence every day, utilizing new vocabulary. But as November approaches, I feel the pressure to actually write. It may not become a novel. In fact, I expect it won't. But I have some ideas that I might be able to flesh out into short story material. Starting November 1st, I want to write something of substance daily. It can be fiction or non fiction, but must be at least 100 words. Keep me to it?

tardigrade \TAHR-di-greyd\, adjective:

1. Slow in pace or movement.
2. Belonging or pertaining to the phylum Tardigrada.

noun:
1. Also called bear animalcule, water bear. Any microscopic, chiefly herbivorous invertebrate of the phylum Tardigrada, living in water, on mosses, lichens, etc.

 I am a sprinter, I've yet to master long distances without my pace becoming steadily tardigrade.

fracas \FREY-kuhs\, noun:

A noisy, disorderly disturbance or fight; riotous brawl; uproar.

After the fracas in the pub, Lane was more than ready for a long night's rest. 

hirtellous \hur-TEL-uhs\, verb:

Minutely hirsute.

It's a good thing I know what the two words in the definition mean. 

At the beginning of hormone replacement therapy, any hirtellous darkening was a cause of immense satisfaction. Now, it's almost mundane.

I wish I could live in the worlds I create in my head. Not all of them are prefect. Not all of them are even pleasant. But they are mine and they are different than what I have now.

agita \AJ-i-tuh\, noun:

1. Agitation; anxiety.
2. Heartburn; indigestion.

For a racehorse agita is expected, but in my nose-to-tail trail horse it was quite a thrill. 

They seemed to have neglected to email me today, so I had to look this one up.

utile

\ YOO-til \  , adjective;

1. Useful.

 

 

My boyfriend has told me a story of when he was immersed in learning the Spanish language. The word for "useful" is "util". He figured it was a fairly direct translation, but people got confused. Little did everyone know that utile is really a word and a rather utile one at that. 

thetic \THET-ik\, adjective:

Positive; dogmatic.


His thetic understanding of the texts was less than realistic.

(I don't know if I'm using that one correctly. This hurts my head some days.)

catholicon \kuh-THOL-i-kuhn\, noun:

A universal remedy; panacea.

Though his idea may work for the student government, it isn't a catholicon for government in general. 

The Eloquent Past

I was recently looking though some old journal entries on my computer. I was very melodramatic years ago. I also wrote a lot more than I do now. I wonder if there is a correlation. Or perhaps I was just in such a place of flux that words were the only way to express anything. Now I am just sort of stagnant and I have someone to talk to most of the time.

In these old writings there is also a lot of self-loathing and self-pity. I called myself a coward a lot. And I chastised myself for never acting first. For following others’ leads.

I see patterns of yearning for change, yet fearing it. Apathy. Broken-heartedness. But even in my depressed states, I was never so far gone. I can recognize me in all of it. Nothing suicidal. Nothing foreign. Just eloquent emotions.

Anyhow, I have a few excerpts to share. Not the context, just the sentences. They struck me.

Nov 28 07

“Pain it inevitable. Humans hurt each other. Humans hurt.”

Jan 11 08

“What does emotional death look like? She wondered briefly, then didn't care, and found the answer.”

Feb 11 09

“How can we ever be sure that we chose the right option when two things are placed before us? It is not possible to know exactly what would have happened if the other option had been favored.

So we must simply live out the path we’ve chosen. We must dedicate ourselves to what we believe to be right. Sure, our opinions can waver, we can continue choosing alternatives. But we cannot go back. We must always continue, moving away from the past, both regrettable and nostalgic.

Only by moving forward can we ever hope to set things to rights. Constantly dwelling on the point of pain will not let it heal. Instead, we find ways to alleviate it at first. Then, slowly the pain will subside.

The only wrong choice is to do nothing at all, to remain stationary at the crossroads, unsure of which option is better. Or wishing desperately to return to a past crossroads and choose the other path.

Even if the wrong path is chosen, we cannot be concerned with how to get back to the other path. We must keep moving forward, to a time when more options present themselves. Then we can leave the wrong choice behind, taking with us the lesson mistakes never fail to teach.

So life is this: choosing. Living. Moving. Learning.”

Jul 2 09

“I don’t want to be a writer if I can only write depressed.”

July 2 10

“Uniqueness is the endless repeated forgery of humankind.”