I was recently looking though some old journal entries on my computer. I was very melodramatic years ago. I also wrote a lot more than I do now. I wonder if there is a correlation. Or perhaps I was just in such a place of flux that words were the only way to express anything. Now I am just sort of stagnant and I have someone to talk to most of the time.
In these old writings there is also a lot of self-loathing and self-pity. I called myself a coward a lot. And I chastised myself for never acting first. For following others’ leads.
I see patterns of yearning for change, yet fearing it. Apathy. Broken-heartedness. But even in my depressed states, I was never so far gone. I can recognize me in all of it. Nothing suicidal. Nothing foreign. Just eloquent emotions.
Anyhow, I have a few excerpts to share. Not the context, just the sentences. They struck me.
Nov 28 07
“Pain it inevitable. Humans hurt each other. Humans hurt.”
Jan 11 08
“What does emotional death look like? She wondered briefly, then didn't care, and found the answer.”
Feb 11 09
“How can we ever be sure that we chose the right option when two things are placed before us? It is not possible to know exactly what would have happened if the other option had been favored.
So we must simply live out the path we’ve chosen. We must dedicate ourselves to what we believe to be right. Sure, our opinions can waver, we can continue choosing alternatives. But we cannot go back. We must always continue, moving away from the past, both regrettable and nostalgic.
Only by moving forward can we ever hope to set things to rights. Constantly dwelling on the point of pain will not let it heal. Instead, we find ways to alleviate it at first. Then, slowly the pain will subside.
The only wrong choice is to do nothing at all, to remain stationary at the crossroads, unsure of which option is better. Or wishing desperately to return to a past crossroads and choose the other path.
Even if the wrong path is chosen, we cannot be concerned with how to get back to the other path. We must keep moving forward, to a time when more options present themselves. Then we can leave the wrong choice behind, taking with us the lesson mistakes never fail to teach.
So life is this: choosing. Living. Moving. Learning.”
Jul 2 09
“I don’t want to be a writer if I can only write depressed.”
July 2 10
“Uniqueness is the endless repeated forgery of humankind.”