02 November 2008
11 August 2008
Life, as they say, is like a box of chocolates. But I'll draw the simile out differently. You see, life is like chocolate. And I crave chocolate. Any kind really. It is my addiction. My love. It also has the tendency to give me a stomach ache because I cannot stop eating after I've started. Life is like that. I have, like Iggy Pop, a 'lust for life.' At least I like to think so. I love to experience different aspects of life. I love to experiment. I love to go through the changes. However, it often hurts. Way more than chocolate.
As a recent graduate from a conservative Christian university, I feel as though I've been trapped in a box. There is little I can do with my degree. In fact, I haven't had a job all summer. I just sell DVDs on Half.com. This will change though.
Last week I moved out of university housing for the 5th and last time. It was actually rather painful. I spent four years of my life there. I met many good people and left behind a few great people. We always say we'll keep in touch. We still live in the same metro area. But we all know how hard it really is. Classes and jobs get in the way. The distance is further than the person down the hall, less accessible.
This summer was both the best and worst of my life for reasons I will not detail here. I'd like to say I grew up. But if that's true it happened despite a constant desire to be twelve again. Yet here I am, living in a house in
Tomorrow, I will probably be sobbing, wishing I was twelve, and resisting even beginning to think about starting to look for a job.
Did I mention it's weird as hell that for the first time in 16 years I'm not preparing for school to begin?
11 March 2008
I feel so overwhelmed by the pessimism that surrounds my studies. Not studies in general, but my area of study. As a Global Studies major, I am inundated with the statistics. Millions starve around the world. Human rights are constantly violated. Wars erupt. Corruption is rampant.
And here I sit. Affected only through study. I feel useless. I can do nothing. I cannot help. And sometimes I wonder if I should. Sometimes I wonder if it is not just for the best that humanity annihilates itself.
I get too much negative. I know all the bad things. But I do not know how to help. I feel that I cannot possibly help in light of the numbers. Nothing I ever do will dent the statistics. I am powerless.
I am generally an idealist. Envisioning a bright future. Vowing to love where I can and do everything I can to help everyone. (When my apathy does not take over.)
But I know I can never love enough. I can never change the world.
My head knows that a little helps. Perhaps I cannot help everyone, but I can help someone. I can change the world for one person.
But it is hard to reconcile my head and my heart. My heart is sore. My heart mourns and will not listen to reason. My heart is heavy and dragging me down.
How do I reconcile realism and idealism? How do I affect the world positively when everything tells me the world is going to hell?
How do I move past this?
22 January 2008
I have had doubts that God is all together good. I have been to one of the largest slums in the world. I have seen the suffering in the eyes of children and adults alike. Evil is allowed rampant in the world.
I have wondered "why is God doing nothing?" when children suffer, when tribes war, when bombs drop.
Recently I have come to the realization that, as a Christian, I am part of God's body. The church is the extension of God on this earth. It is not that God cannot act, or will not act, it is that his people will not care enough to act.
So the question becomes "why are we doing nothing?" and even "why am I doing nothing?"
We sit in our luxury, theorizing about God, justice, love; complaining about everything from the temperature of the t-bone to the corruption of the government of any given nation. We sit, we think, we complain when it is our responsibility to carry out God's promise to everyone.
I hope to continue in this vein at a later date. So, more to come, hopefully.
09 January 2008
I'll start at the beginning and then skip to the end.
So while this goes on, and on, and on,
That is not the