16 November 2016

A week.

It has been quite a week. I am not okay. I have been sleeping poorly. Eating horribly. Rarely exercising. The dread in my gut has not abated much. And as it was lessening due to time, there was an incident of hate right here in Denver. Today a woman's vehicle was spray painted with transphobic slurs and included "die". Right here in safe blue Denver. Again, I'm not all that scared for myself, but I fear for those who are visible minorities. It is not about me.

I don't know how to have conversations. I want to talk about my outrage, my sadness. I want to reassure my upset friends. I want to fight injustice. But I can feel my apathy creeping in. Shutting me down. I don't trust people anymore. People who say they are my friend yet do not show me. People who claim not to be racist but happily elect a blatantly racist man into the highest office. Replace "racist" with sexist, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, etc. And you know, I'm not even that afraid of Trump himself. He's silly and selfish. But he's surrounding himself with advisors that only bolster this atmosphere of hatred and bigotry. And I fear those who voted from him. Those who wholeheartedly approve of his ways. People who would prefer I didn't exist, that so many of my friends didn't exist. This is not okay.

I am sick of "moderates" trying to say that it is okay. That is privilege. I am sick of the people who say that we are just sore losers. It's not about that. I don't actually have strong opinions about Hillary, but I have always had strong opinions about Trump. This is not about my candidate not winning. It is about losing, but it's about losing my voice. (Potentially) losing the accomplishments I, and people like me, have worked so hard for these last few years. It's about losing all the forward progress we've struggled for. And it is even about losing lives and livelihoods. Reports have come in of over 400 people being harassed and assaulted in the course of this week. Due to the color of their skin. Their religion. Their accent. Their gender presentation. It is not okay.

I am not okay.

The only glimmer that makes me do at least something each day is my foster puppy. She's super cuddly and doesn't make messes or noises. The perfect animal.

Video games help me not to think. Teagan helps me to play video games. 

09 November 2016

Thoughts on the Election

I have a lot going on in my head but I haven't been able to properly express any of it. I'm exhausted. I stayed up late waiting for the results of the election. I wept. My body shook involuntarily for hours.

Today I went to work and talked very very little. I cried on all of my breaks. Just reading the news. Well, reading posts that my friends put online expressing sorrow (grief, really), anger, despair, disbelief, confusion. And I mirror all of it.

The scene from V for Vendetta of gay people being pulled from their beds at night keeps playing in my head. It terrifies me and it cannot be allowed.

I think mostly of the youth. People of color now outnumber whites in America, and their children more so. Apparently some find that threatening. I am afraid for those kids. I am afraid for the children of immigrants and refugees. The Muslim and Jewish children. The LGBTQIA+ kids. Especially with Pence's hateful ideas about the use of conversion therapy for homosexuality. I fear the rates of teen suicides going up.

I also feel guilt. Guilt that I believed so strongly that Americans would make the better choice. That so many wouldn't choose fear and hatred. And that I wasn't more active in supporting those who needed it most.

I was assigned female at birth, and thus grew up with that social ideology. Being trans has made that former status invisible, but it is not forgotten. I did not transition because I hate women. I did so because I am not one. I stand for women's rights. Bodily autonomy in every way. Equality in every way.

I rarely fit gay stereotypes, but the fact remains. I am a (mostly) gay trans man in a world that just showed itself more hostile to people like me.

I am white. And from that privilege, I cannot speak to the pain that people of color of feeling now. I only pledge to use my privilege to help in any way possible.

I know that several old 'friends' of mine (not to mention family) voted for Trump under some notion that he was the better Christian choice. I will not forgive that. This man is nothing that Jesus would have approved of. He loves only money and adoration. I know that these and a great many other people would have been upset had Hillary Clinton won. People may have worried about their tax money. About their guns. Even about unborn fetuses. But right now, I am worried about my life. I am worried about the lives of my friends who live in counties and states that voted overwhelmingly red. I am worried about my friends who have an intersectionality of minorities. My Latinx lesbian friends, my Black trans friends, etc. What half the nation told us yesterday was that our safety and wellbeing is not a priority.

After all of this, I am a naturally optimistic person. And we will get through it. Progress cannot be halted. It can be hindered, but it cannot be turned back. This will prove a tough time for many of us. But I will tolerate no racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, transphobia, or victim blaming. I will stand up for everyone I can. We can and will fight for our right to exist

06 November 2016

Celestial Seasonings

Today, we went to the Celestial Seasonings factory. It was really quite amazing. I'm not sure why we'd never gone before, as it's only just in Boulder and I've been drinking many varieties of their tea all my life.

First we got to taste test so many teas: some hot and some cold. It was delicious. Then on the tour we learned a bit of history, like how and when the company started. And that all of their products are ethically sourced from around the world. And that every single tea is made and packaged at that facility in Boulder. Millions of tea bags every day. We didn't get to see the machinery in action, as it was the weekend, but it was really quite impressive. We went into the room with all the true tea leaves. Most of Celestial Seasonings teas are herbal and not actually tea, but they do have some black and green variants. That room smelled really good. Also the mint room was fun. It was very strong, but also very pleasant and cleared my chest more than I thought I needed.

We ended up buying several boxes of tea and some mugs with the tea box art on them. Not at all needed, as we have SO MUCH tea in the cupboard, but you can never have too much, right? Also, we have a lot of mugs. But this art is so cool! And look at the wee little mug!

Anyhow, it was a great day with a great person. Happy 6 years to us. 

05 November 2016

Some recent Films

This weekend I watched several movies. It was a long weekend for me and I don't generally watch movies. So the fact I watched so many is surprising.

One was Star Trek: Into Darkness, which was fine, but nothing to write about.

The next was Moonlight. Which was really very good. It was not fast-paced. It was simple. It was well-acted. It was worth seeing.

The latest was Eye in the Sky. It was a bit hard to watch, to be honest. But it is so relevant. It is about drone strikes. About weighing the lives of innocents in the vicinity when targeting potential/probable threats to other innocents. It brings up all sorts of moral issues. The impersonality of the strikes, the fact that the people making the decisions and even pulling the trigger are hundreds or thousands of miles away. The people in charge of the operation depicted were British. I think that added a layer to it. Because the US does drone strikes quite a bit differently, and with much less of a fuss about collateral damage. This was Alan Rickman's final film, and it was a great one. I highly recommend it.