17 August 2010

So, life gets harder after university. It's a fact. I'm now a real adult. Established. Working full time. Paying my bills. Scraping by.

But I feel different. The terror of living independently has faded away. Now I relish being disconnected from my parents in so many ways.

As far a school goes. I don't miss it. Occasionally, I think about discussions in my Global Studies classes. But I do not miss writing papers, studying, sitting through boring lectures, procrastinating. I feel like I spent most of my time in school procrastinating. Leaving everything until the last minute, but feeling the pressure of it all the while. I don't have that now. I leave work and it's far behind until the next day. I don't have to think about it at all. Sure, there are still some pressing things that I occasionally procrastinate on, but never to the previous extent. And I like that. I like not having things hanging over my head. Oh, except those daft loans...

But the same problems face me that I've written about before, years ago: apathy, complacency, lack of purpose.

I don't think about it much, I just do as I need to do or waste my time. I've been caught up in transition and haven't dwelt on purpose for some time. The thing is, I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I only know that I'm not really happy with it so far. Transition is a go. It is helping me find some clarity and peace of mind. But that's not a job. That's not a purpose, that's just a vehicle for the journey.

Frankly, I'm tired of my job. I'm tired of working with animals. My resume is filled with animal jobs. And I honestly just don't care anymore. I want to use my degree. I want to help people. I want to be useful. I just need to find a way to do it, and still make a living. I need both enough money and enough fulfillment or I will waste away.

I've had some happiness and some heart-wrenching. I've found fulfillment in becoming me. I've learned about myself, how manipulative I can be. How I hold on to things beyond reason. I've made it through what has thus far been the worst part of my life and I realize that it will not likely remain so for long. There are always good times ahead and just as many bad times. And I accept that. I and I know I can weather each.

If only I can shake the profound loneliness. This drifting discontent. I want to find me. I want to do it.