27 December 2009

Holiday Spirit is Dead

I remember liking Christmas. As a child of course, because I received all sorts of fabulous things. I would call my best friend after lunch and we’d compare loot. I always got clothes and generally loved them. I got books regularly and toys when I was young enough for them.

After a time I began to like it less. The excitement was gone. My mother was moody on holidays, and dampened the festive spirits. The clothing wasn’t my style anymore. I asked my mom to stop getting me clothes. Mostly because I didn’t like her choices, but I told her I wanted to simplify.

I began to like it less as I became more aware of the stupidity and cost. People rushing to purchase obligatory gifts for loved ones they don’t really know. Gifts often returned the next day. People spending exorbitant amounts for frivolity. More excuses to be drunk and make poor choices.

Last Christmas was the first spent without my family. My roommates were away with their families, and I worked and spent some time with a few friends. I bought a computer after mine died a horrible death. It arrived on Christmas Eve, a great self-gift.

I was not with my family again this Christmas.

This Christmas I gave myself a broken heart.

Perhaps next year I can share Christmas with someone and really appreciate it. I don’t have to be lonely in a room of happy people and my own sundered heart.

18 December 2009


I didn’t want this to be necessarily a journal/diary blog. I wanted it to be a space where I could share some of my thoughts on events and issues and generally show some critical thinking and thoughtful writing.

Well, in the absence of any critical thinking, I shall revert to a more-or-less personal journal of sorts.

Here’s what I’ve been up to lately:

Figuring out and verbalizing my gender identity. This has been a long process. And certainly no small task. It began in my head my senior year of university and has progressed quite far. Of course, the actual beginning was in the beginning. When I was young etc.

I’ve never been the typical girl, I was always a tomboy. I never had Barbies, only GI Joes. All of my favorite stuffed animals were male. All of my imaginative alter egos were male. When I was very young, four perhaps, I was Fluffy-baby-boy-lion. And I would tell everyone that, the whole phrase, as I crawled around on the carpet and roared. When I was in first grade (perhaps younger) I was John. My friend and I would play for hours that we were a couple of lost boys roughing it in the woods. It was amazing. She grew out of it. I never did. When I began writing, all of my protagonists were male. Usually around my age. Usually journeying to far away lands (but that a different story). I always chose a male avatar when playing video games. As I said, I never really grew out of it, yet I did scale back. I tried to introduce female characters into my stories (failing usually).

I never really let any of these things truly enter into my conscious thought. I was a good Christian girl. I kept telling myself I was happy being strange. Being single. Being me. I wore what I wanted (generally guy’s clothes). I cut my hair how I wanted it (generally short). Very few people questioned me. But I do recall finding it terribly amusing and even a bit exciting when people would mistake me for a guy.

I made it almost all the way through university before making a very important realization about myself. I am not straight. It was a very rough time. I didn’t know how to rectify all of what I’d been taught throughout the years to what I was learning about myself. I joined an online queer community and basically educated myself on all things LGBTQ. This is where I learned the term ‘genderqueer.’ It was almost a year after my initial queer self-realization that I began to identify as genderqeer. I realized that it really fit my situation. I wasn’t particularly unhappy with my body (most of the time), but I knew that I did not fit the typical female model. With this new label I also began to bind my chest. This made me feel much more masculine and somehow right. I began to pass as male quite often in public. In the year since then, I’ve embraced my gender and sexual identities. I have even progressed slightly more toward transgender. I have recently asked friends and coworkers to refer to me with male pronouns. So far it has been very invigorating. It makes me smile to hear myself referred to as ‘he’. The feeling is unexplainable.

There was also the nickname I ended up with. In truth, my dad was the first to really call me Larz, but in high school several of my friends used it and when I went to university, I introduced myself to everyone as Larz. At this time, only my mom still uses my given name. I am considering legally changing my name to Larz.

Besides the random gender issues, I’ve been working full time at an animal shelter. Not exactly what I want to be doing with my life, but it’s good money and not terribly difficult work. It’s also a perfect place to transition.

I’m working on moving, and quite excited about that. I’ve got a lovely bunch of friends here in Denver. I really don’t know where I’d be without them. Actually, without the affirmation I’ve been getting, I don’t know that I’d ever have been able to make some of the huge decisions I’ve made lately. Namely switching pronouns and coming out to my parents.

So that’s me. 2009 out.