19 February 2012

I feel very adrift. It has now been four years since I graduated from university. And in those years I've had two jobs, neither of which related to my degree or even required one. About $200 each month goes toward the repayment of the education. And I will be paying it for years to come.

I am frustrated that I don't have much to show for my reluctant years in higher education. I am mad at myself for the major I chose- though it was, and still is of huge interest- because I cannot make money using it. Sometimes I think about going back to school. Or I wish that I had in 2008. But the thought still makes me sick to my stomach.

Perhaps I need to just take a few classes. Brush up on Microsoft Office or take some photography or video editing classes. Just so I have more substance to my resume than working with dogs.

I need to not work with animals anymore. I want to own one someday. Or at the very least be okay with sharing spaces with them. Right now, I'm simply not there. I like them, but I'm over it. I don't want this to be my life.

I try to think of my job as a means. I can make money and save for a trip. Or work here until I find the perfect job. But it seems to be sucking me in. I make only slightly more each month than my bills, so saving is a very slow process. And I'm burning out. I just want to sit in front of a computer for days on end (not as a job), or wander alone in some vast mountain range. Anything, really, but this.

I realize it's a luxury to be bored. I realize that in perspective, I'm fine. I'm successful in that I have a job, minimal debt, an apartment, a vehicle. I have a family that does still care about me, friends and a boyfriend. I am able to buy things I want rather than only things I need.

But I want more. Not money per se. Just something different. I want to truely live. Not just be.

I wish to no longer be bored or boring. I wish to be a better friend. And I resolve to spend money on only things I really need with only very occasional deviations. I will travel outside of the US this year. It's a promise. Five years since Kenya. Five years too long.

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