31 January 2010

I was told I should write more. And I certainly agree. I always want to write more. Sometimes it's terribly hard for me to do.

I got a call the other day from an old friend of the family. I couldn't answer so she left me a long message. It absolutely made my day. She said she'd been talking with my parents and they'd told her about how I'd come out to them and indicated how I wanted to be treated and who I really was. She was incredibly comforting, telling me that she respected me and could see such things in me from a young age. It always feels good to be affirmed, but certainly more so to be affirmed by someone I've known my whole life and respected.

I also recently received a note from another person I've always respected, telling me simply to be myself.

And then there are my friends, taking things in stride, switching pronouns and making it seem so natural (as I suppose it really is). Sure there are occasional slip-ups, but no one makes it awkward. It's just the period of change.

These people affirming me and supporting me in every way helps me to not get caught up in the fact that my parents, my mom especially, are not at all affirming or supportive. When I talk to my mum on the phone, she always slides something in there about praying or straightening out or something like that. It makes me want to lash out. If she wants me to be Christian, she'll have to change her attitude a bit. I don't want to be anything like her.

So in the meantime, I sort of pretend I'm an orphan. I've taken over all of my bills except my phone, as it's tied into the family plan. My dad said he'd pay my health insurance, but I did it anyway. Mostly because I could and I should, but also because I'm going to be using it to see my doctor. The doctor that is going to prescribe testosterone. And I don't want that to be something my dad can take away from me.

So now is a period of waiting. Waiting for my therapist to send the letter to the doctor. Then scheduling an appointment, subjecting myself to whatever doctor-y things need to be done and walking away with a prescription. A prescription to my new life. To the rest of my life. And it terrifies me just as much as it elates me. Because this is change I will not be able to reverse. And I'm not sure how far I'll go. If I will decide that it's something I need to do for the rest of my life, or just something to change a few aspects of myself and then I can continue to live in the in-between.

This concludes my writing for the day. For the month. Happy February.

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