31 January 2010

Dear Mother,

I think we've established that we don't agree on pretty much anything. We never really have.

Though I did not recognize it in myself until only recently, it is true that I've always wanted to be a boy. I don't know why, no one ever really does, but it's true. And now, now that I'm finally getting what I've wanted my whole life, I feel great. I feel like I can take on the world. Don't you see that? You say I need to pray and get God's guidance. So far as I can tell, I have His approval. I'm becoming myself so I can better serve others.

Also, please don't argue with me about the Bible and Christianity. I took a class each semester that heavily detailed all aspects of each. I know a lot more about the scholarship than you do, or likely will. Don't talk down to me about it. Don't assume that what you've learned is the only correct thing. I don't make those assumptions either.

Besides, the Bible is about love. God is love. Judgment is His alone. If you're the best example of Christianity, I want none of it.

That said, I do believe in God, and even to some extent, the Bible. I believe that the purpose of people is love. Through loving one another, the creation, and themselves, people honor the creator and fulfill their life's purpose.

My therapist has several degrees. She's well-learned. She's not queer. She's not an atheist. She's in fact Jewish and getting a further degree in that field. She's not an idiot that is just telling me what I want to hear. She is also not feeding me things. She is simply helping me figure out who I really am. And it's working.

So all of these things we do not agree on. All of these things we should never talk about.

However, because I know that you think of these things, I know that it affects our time together. That is why I insist upon bringing a friend when I visit. I need support. I need someone who loves me for exactly who I am and not who they want me to be. And because you've said that I am welcome, but my friends are not, I don't feel welcome either. Because my friends are part of me, just as you are. This is why I will not be visiting you for any amount of time in the near future. Until something changes.

All this said, I do love you. You are my mother. Sure, we never really connected or shared much, but you raised me and I wouldn't change my childhood. It's made me who I am. And even who I'm becoming. And I know you love me, but I know you don't love me for who I am becoming, but rather who I was, or who you want me to be. And it hurts.

Larz (I will never ask you to call me your son, only that you don't call me your daughter.)

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