There have been a lot of things banging around in my head, pressing for attention lately. I’ve not slept much at all. Ever…
The main thing that preoccupies my brainwaves is transitioning. For a long while it was sort of back-burner and experimental, if you will. But now, now I want to get things rolling. I need to see my therapist regularly. I want to get on track for hormone replacement therapy. I want change. I want to be me.
And I think that is terribly important.
But I’ve also been getting twinges of conscience lately. My unused degree is haunting me. I am still the idealist I’ve always been. I still want to help the world in any way I can.
And these two overwhelming pieces of me seem not to fit together very well. I will be spending heaps of money on myself. For years. For the rest of my life. And I wonder if that’s over-the-line selfish. I wonder if I shouldn’t just find a good organization to donate the equal amount of money to.
Yet I realize that I cannot really help anyone unless I’ve helped myself a bit. I feel like I will be useless until I get this piece of identity back in place. That is my rationale. Is it wrong? Perhaps I shall never know.
Everything in my life seems tied to that defining identity bit. My relationships with people for example. Things with my parents aren’t quality, though nothing devastating has occurred. My friends are generally freaking fantastic about all of this. And the pronoun transition at work has gone smoothly. I will admit it’s odd to be referred to as male. Not wrong at all, just different. It makes me smile.
The remnants of my Christian faith are still with me. I’ve recently described myself as a “back-burner Christian” which I actually hate myself for saying. Honestly, I do not think I wish to identify with Christianity any longer. However, this does not mean I’ve become an atheist. I really don’t know what to believe right now. It’s been a struggle for me for years. Long before any of the queer theory entered my brain. All I can say, over and over, is that the Bible tells us God is love. So I cling to that.
I don’t want to lose sight of what’s important. I need people to help me out. I need affirmation. Because I do sink. I do lose sight. I fall into apathy. I am sucked at by complacency. I am overwhelmed by the world, life, loneliness.
I am human.