I need to get words out, but they don't seem to be coming out correctly.
I am devastated. Heartbroken. My parents don't understand why this has such a profound effect on me. This tragedy in Orlando does not directly affect me. I did not know anyone there. I have never been there. Yet it affects us all. We are a family. I don't go out much anymore, but it could have been here. It could have been me.
The anti-LGBT rhetoric has been going on for years, centuries. I've been under the impression that I was safe. Isolated in a bubble of time, on the cusp of groundbreaking equality. And yet. My people become the ones violently attacked. And the people who historically spread hatred against us try to turn the conversation back to blaming Muslims. Upholding the second amendment. Sending thoughts and prayers.
I am tired of it. My Christian family and friends has been sending thoughts and prayers my way since I came out. I can almost guarantee that these tend toward hoping that I'll change my mind. Hoping that I'll come back around. Never about my safety. Because if I'm unsafe, it must be because I'm sinning. And if I'd just knock that off, then...
No. I don't accept the "love the sinner, hate the sin" line anymore. You are hating a part of me. A part I am unable (and yes, even unwilling) to change. And that is what gets us to this point in the first place.
Because of that hatred, even under good pretence, LGBTQ people -- people like me-- begin to also hate themselves. My community has the highest rate of suicide.
I cannot even begin to imagine how it feels to lose a loved one in such a hateful and violent act. Tonight, I get to hug my boyfriend. I get to to to sleep next to him and know that in the morning, he'll still be there. But that's only tonight. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed.
Because of my Christian past and Christian education, I have a lot of old friends who are Christian. And I cherish them. Most of them are grieving for the state of the world right along with me and the Queer community. That is the love I was taught so much about. That is how Jesus taught his followers to behave. But it is not enough. It isn't enough to be sad today. Or this week. The thoughts and actions regarding LGBTQ people need to change permanently.
It wasn't a Muslim who murdered people the other night. It was a man. A man indoctrinated into the toxic masculinity that is rife in this country and the world.
Lesbians, Gay men, bisexuals, transgender men and women and other queer identified people aren't pushing their agendas. We are simply trying to survive in a world that is actively trying to eradicate us.
I don't care if you agree with me or my choices all the time. That would be boring. All I beg for is recognition of my status as a human being. No greater or lesser than anyone else. We have a right to live. To live without fear for our lives.
Just as others have the right to live without fear in their places of worship (though lately, those haven't been so safe either), we should be able to live without fear in our places of celebration. We should be able to live as we are without fear of losing our homes or our jobs.
Don't just grieve. Don't turn this to a debate tangent. Do something about the way you think of people. The way you treat people that are different than you.
I am human. Please recognize that.