I sent that package...

I yearn for change.

But,

I don’t know how to change myself. The main reason I cannot seem to figure this out is because I don’t know what I want to change into. I have absolutely no plans for my life. Nothing definitive anyway. I say I’m looking for a better job, but the truth is that I’m not looking, because I don’t know what sort of job is better. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I fit.

I really don’t know who I am in any realm. I don’t know where I stand with Christianity. I don’t know where I fall on the sexuality scale, mostly because I don’t know where I fall on the gender scale. I’ve been looking into all of these things recently, and I’ve come up with imprecise labels and trite expressions.

There are some things I know, of course. I know I want to become fitter. I want to be healthy. I want my body to look how I envision it in my mind: androgynous (emphasis on the ‘andro’). I want to rid myself of excess and build muscle. But I lack the self-control to eat healthier and exercise regularly.

I know I want to travel. I just don’t know exactly how. Obviously travel requires money, but I rather dislike working more than I need. I don’t quite know how to save. Of course my frequent, frivolous internet purchases don’t help much.

I want to learn to be content. I’ve realized that I simply get bored with things far too quickly. I’ve been at my job for two months and already it is mundane. Routine. Boring. It’s not that the work itself is boring, I’m just bored. I surmise my attention span has atrophied due to my excess of time spent on the internet.

I want to have personal connections. This is something that’s terribly hard for me to initiate. I’ve recently realized it is a real problem, and I’ve gone so far as to read books on how better to make friends. And in some ways it helps. I think of certain things in social situations. I try to initiate contact and be interested rather than follow my nature and stand in a corner to observe.

I suppose the simple fact that I want to change means I have some hope left. I’m not entirely complacent.

Who Is Larz?

So I feel the need to talk a bit about me. My identity. Who this person called Larz really is.

It’s been somewhat of a struggle for me to solidify things. And by somewhat I mean that it has been the hardest segment of my life thus far. Because things simply won’t solidify. I keep discovering things about myself that radically change my ideas about everything. My head has been at constant war with my heart for around two years. They’re finally just making peace now.

So this whole identity thing: I hate labels, they just make it harder to solidify, harder to explain, harder to think about really. I want to just be me. But I’ve had to rationalize many things. Though now, I’m very comfortable just being me. However, I know many people don’t understand me, so I’ve found a couple words to describe my identity.

Genderqueer.

Whoa. What? This just means that I don’t feel I fit into my biological gender or gender role. However, it does not mean that I desire to fully fit into the opposing gender or gender role either. I simply do not feel that gender is binary. I prefer to fit somewhere in the middle. My biology remains the same, but my appearance doesn’t mirror it. I don’t desire to resurrect my given name. It somewhat irks me to see it on my license and debit card. I prefer the much more androgynous “Larz”, though I’m not sure I’ll ever legally change it. Pronouns are tricky. Ideally, I’d rather have neither, but that’s not much of an option really, and since English contains no singular gender neutral pronouns, I then prefer both. Yes, both. Figure it out.

Here comes another odd word:

Panamorous.

This means that like my own gender, I don’t reckon gender into my attraction or relationships. I am certainly attracted to appearances (the more androgynous, the better), but it’s essentially about a person. I was taught at school and by my parents to love people for who they really are and not to judge them on things they cannot change. To me gender falls into this category. I don’t think love should be limited by biology anymore than by skin tone or bank account.

These two odd words are really only part of my identity. Perhaps a big part, and even a scary part, but I’m so much more really.

I’m still Larz.

I still like Firefly and Lord of the Rings. I still play Spiro the Dragon on psx. I like to take photos and write science fiction stories. I’ve developed a taste for sushi that my income cannot support. I love to travel and observe people. I’ve a heart for those that are less fortunate than I. I desire (like everyone) to be a part of something special. To help, to succeed, to love, to live, to be happy.

I realize that this may spark some comment and queries. I welcome them whole-heartedly. I know that it’s not easy to understand, and it helps me to understand more when I’m able to discuss it.