01 August 2009

Who Is Larz?

So I feel the need to talk a bit about me. My identity. Who this person called Larz really is.

It’s been somewhat of a struggle for me to solidify things. And by somewhat I mean that it has been the hardest segment of my life thus far. Because things simply won’t solidify. I keep discovering things about myself that radically change my ideas about everything. My head has been at constant war with my heart for around two years. They’re finally just making peace now.

So this whole identity thing: I hate labels, they just make it harder to solidify, harder to explain, harder to think about really. I want to just be me. But I’ve had to rationalize many things. Though now, I’m very comfortable just being me. However, I know many people don’t understand me, so I’ve found a couple words to describe my identity.

Genderqueer.

Whoa. What? This just means that I don’t feel I fit into my biological gender or gender role. However, it does not mean that I desire to fully fit into the opposing gender or gender role either. I simply do not feel that gender is binary. I prefer to fit somewhere in the middle. My biology remains the same, but my appearance doesn’t mirror it. I don’t desire to resurrect my given name. It somewhat irks me to see it on my license and debit card. I prefer the much more androgynous “Larz”, though I’m not sure I’ll ever legally change it. Pronouns are tricky. Ideally, I’d rather have neither, but that’s not much of an option really, and since English contains no singular gender neutral pronouns, I then prefer both. Yes, both. Figure it out.

Here comes another odd word:

Panamorous.

This means that like my own gender, I don’t reckon gender into my attraction or relationships. I am certainly attracted to appearances (the more androgynous, the better), but it’s essentially about a person. I was taught at school and by my parents to love people for who they really are and not to judge them on things they cannot change. To me gender falls into this category. I don’t think love should be limited by biology anymore than by skin tone or bank account.

These two odd words are really only part of my identity. Perhaps a big part, and even a scary part, but I’m so much more really.

I’m still Larz.

I still like Firefly and Lord of the Rings. I still play Spiro the Dragon on psx. I like to take photos and write science fiction stories. I’ve developed a taste for sushi that my income cannot support. I love to travel and observe people. I’ve a heart for those that are less fortunate than I. I desire (like everyone) to be a part of something special. To help, to succeed, to love, to live, to be happy.

I realize that this may spark some comment and queries. I welcome them whole-heartedly. I know that it’s not easy to understand, and it helps me to understand more when I’m able to discuss it.

1 comment:

Rory said...

Hi Larz,

I've noticed you in the genderqueer flickr group over the past several months and finally decided to be nosy and snoop around.

Good post. I relate a lot to what you wrote here. Sometimes it really sucks to have to even pick a label in the first place because sometimes it feels, even if I say genderqueer, people will then assume and expect only certain things from me [I posted about that last night actually] and that gets a bit stifling/frustrating... but genderqueer is the closest thing I've ever found so far that describes how I feel and identify as.

-Rory [locatei on flickr]

p.s Sushi <3