I yearn for change.
I don’t know how to change myself. The main reason I cannot seem to figure this out is because I don’t know what I want to change into. I have absolutely no plans for my life. Nothing definitive anyway. I say I’m looking for a better job, but the truth is that I’m not looking, because I don’t know what sort of job is better. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I fit.
I really don’t know who I am in any realm. I don’t know where I stand with Christianity. I don’t know where I fall on the sexuality scale, mostly because I don’t know where I fall on the gender scale. I’ve been looking into all of these things recently, and I’ve come up with imprecise labels and trite expressions.
There are some things I know, of course. I know I want to become fitter. I want to be healthy. I want my body to look how I envision it in my mind: androgynous (emphasis on the ‘andro’). I want to rid myself of excess and build muscle. But I lack the self-control to eat healthier and exercise regularly.
I know I want to travel. I just don’t know exactly how. Obviously travel requires money, but I rather dislike working more than I need. I don’t quite know how to save. Of course my frequent, frivolous internet purchases don’t help much.
I want to learn to be content. I’ve realized that I simply get bored with things far too quickly. I’ve been at my job for two months and already it is mundane. Routine. Boring. It’s not that the work itself is boring, I’m just bored. I surmise my attention span has atrophied due to my excess of time spent on the internet.
I want to have personal connections. This is something that’s terribly hard for me to initiate. I’ve recently realized it is a real problem, and I’ve gone so far as to read books on how better to make friends. And in some ways it helps. I think of certain things in social situations. I try to initiate contact and be interested rather than follow my nature and stand in a corner to observe.
I suppose the simple fact that I want to change means I have some hope left. I’m not entirely complacent.