18 March 2007

Selfish Motives?

I'm going to Kenya in May. It seems like the right thing to do. I haven't left the country yet this year. But recently the question was asked "why do you want to go to Kenya?" and you know what? I cannot answer that question for the life of me. I have some good answers, but no great ones. My answers are such as these: "I feel God's call to missions," which is true by the way, but not specific, "I need to leave the country," random, also true, selfish? Here's another "I want not to stay at home with my parents all summer long," even more selfish, and also true. How about "I don't feel like a real person unless I am traveling and helping people and not getting paid."? Does that work? Because that's the closest I've come to the answer.

I am not a whole person here at school. I do not want to be here. In my head, I know that it is a necessary point in time. That it is most excellent to further my knowledge of many things. However, I'm a person of action. I hate to sit around and learn about problems elsewhere. In fact, sitting around learning about things makes me the most apathetic person I know. But when I'm away, when I'm out there, helping people, digging holes, building things, just talking to people that I can learn from, people from different cultures, that is where I feel like a real person. That is where I belong.

So is it selfish that I want to go to Kenya in order to feel like I matter? Seems like it. This brings up my everlasting question: is any decision ever unselfish? Or are there just less selfish choices? I feel that as a human being everything is tinged with selfishness. I cannot think like God, and I cannot disengage myself from my own body. So the answer is this to me: yes, my reason for going is tainted with selfishness, perhaps even afloat with it, but I'm striving to turn that selfish motivation into action to help others. Does that count?

1 comment:

Holli said...

i understand completely. there is just something fulfilling about missions and once you start or once you have done something, its not enough. it becomes apart of you. it becomes you. the answer to why is becuase that is who i am. the people become my people, missions becomes an identity. at least thats the way it is for me.