my uncensored and not-so-eloquent emotions.

I need to get words out, but they don't seem to be coming out correctly.

I am devastated. Heartbroken. My parents don't understand why this has such a profound effect on me. This tragedy in Orlando does not directly affect me. I did not know anyone there. I have never been there.  Yet it affects us all. We are a family. I don't go out much anymore, but it could have been here. It could have been me.

The anti-LGBT rhetoric has been going on for years, centuries. I've been under the impression that I was safe. Isolated in a bubble of time, on the cusp of groundbreaking equality. And yet. My people become the ones violently attacked. And the people who historically spread hatred against us try to turn the conversation back to blaming Muslims. Upholding the second amendment. Sending thoughts and prayers.

I am tired of it. My Christian family and friends has been sending thoughts and prayers my way since I came out. I can almost guarantee that these tend toward hoping that I'll change my mind. Hoping that I'll come back around. Never about my safety. Because if I'm unsafe, it must be because I'm sinning. And if I'd just knock that off, then...

No. I don't accept the "love the sinner, hate the sin" line anymore. You are hating a part of me. A part I am unable (and yes, even unwilling) to change. And that is what gets us to this point in the first place.

Because of that hatred, even under good pretence, LGBTQ people -- people like me-- begin to also hate themselves. My community has the highest rate of suicide.

I cannot even begin to imagine how it feels to lose a loved one in such a hateful and violent act. Tonight, I get to hug my boyfriend. I get to to to sleep next to him and know that in the morning, he'll still be there. But that's only tonight. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed.

Because of my Christian past and Christian education, I have a lot of old friends who are Christian. And I cherish them. Most of them are grieving for the state of the world right along with me and the Queer community. That is the love I was taught so much about. That is how Jesus taught his followers to behave. But it is not enough. It isn't enough to be sad today. Or this week. The thoughts and actions regarding LGBTQ people need to change permanently.

It wasn't a Muslim who murdered people the other night. It was a man. A man indoctrinated into the toxic masculinity that is rife in this country and the world.

Lesbians, Gay men, bisexuals, transgender men and women and other queer identified people aren't pushing their agendas. We are simply trying to survive in a world that is actively trying to eradicate us.

I don't care if you agree with me or my choices all the time. That would be boring. All I beg for is recognition of my status as a human being. No greater or lesser than anyone else. We have a right to live. To live without fear for our lives.

Just as others have the right to live without fear in their places of worship (though lately, those haven't been so safe either), we should be able to live without fear in our places of celebration. We should be able to live as we are without fear of losing our homes or our jobs.

Don't just grieve. Don't turn this to a debate tangent. Do something about the way you think of people. The way you treat people that are different than you.

I am human. Please recognize that.

the tooth saga continues

I've figured out what's wrong in my mouth.

Before this year, I hadn't gone to the dentist for several years. Like... four. So I needed a few things done. Unfortunately, all the things were on the upper right side of my mouth. One root canal and crown and two fillings. One of the fillings is in the tooth right next to the crown, the other is the farthest back molar. For the most part, after the crown and fillings were done, everything was fine. I had some sensitivity on the tooth with the filling next to the crown. Mostly to cold. I went in and it was adjusted (ground down) a bit and I was told that it was normal for awhile and it should go away in a few weeks.

Nearly two months passed and I still had quite a lot of sensitivity, especially to cold. So I returned and they tapped around and found that I had some pain in the root canal tooth. So they decided that one was a bit too high and ground it down a bit. This was last week. The sensitivity did not diminish, In fact, it began to grow exponentially until on Sunday and Monday, I was in loads of pain and pretty much unable to eat or drink. Monday being the holiday, I called the dentist first thing on Tuesday and got in. Again, the dentist ground down the crown a bit more, thinking that's the problem, even though with a cold test, it was obvious the sensitivity was still from the filling. I was told that if that didn't help, they would likely have to redo the filling, and in the meantime I was given a prescription for painkillers. I immediately filled it. Over the next 24 hours, the pain only increased. Making it impossible to eat, drink or sleep, even with a moderate amount of narcotics. But I was told it should be better in a few days, or to call back, so I muddled through most of Wednesday at work in a fog of pain and/or painkillers. Finally, I told my supervisor that I could get a dental appointment that afternoon, if they could spare me at work. I was sure to let them know that I'd been next to useless all day. It was granted and I got a ride from work to my dentist.

This time, it was the head dentist and he determined that there was nothing wrong with my filling except that it was still too high. So he ground it down a lot, as well as a bit more on the crown. immediately afterward, the pain hit me so hard, I nearly started crying. I got cold sweat and gripped the chair. The dental assistant said I went white. The dentist decided he could numb me up really quickly with lidocaine/novocaine. That was a relief for sure.

Wednesday night was a bit rough, as the tooth was still quite sore. I woke up in the wee hours, but was hesitant to take the painkillers, as I had to drive to work. The pain wore off during the day. So that's awesome.

However, it's been replaced by an uncomfortable dull ache from the back molar filling. Which I am assuming is now too high, after the other things have been ground down. Here's hoping it will work itself out instead of turning to incapacitating pain.

Or, you know, I guess I could return to the dentist and eight time this year.

Work Woes

This week, my schedule at work is changing for the first time in several years. Currently I work four ten hour days and my days off are Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday. From now on, my days off will be Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.

It is upsetting for several reasons. One, I am one of the most senior employees in my department and there are a few employees who pick their own schedule. Two, the reason I am being told to switch my schedule is because we are understaffed and unable to hire more people for my department. Apparently Saturday is a day that would be short without my help. 

I don't mind my job. I have met some good people there. I have had good times. I live very close, so the commute is no big deal. I think that on the whole, my workplace is doing good for animals and the community. But my work is very much not my life. I live on the weekend. I live for hiking and camping and travel. I work to make money to do what I love. So weekends are very important to me. Most of my friends and most people in general, have Saturday and Sunday off. When my boyfriend worked for the local government, it was very nice to have two whole days to adventure together. I really hope this new schedule does not interfere with that. Currently, he is on break from school, so for now my lack of Saturdays should not have an effect on any plans we make, but who knows how long he will go without a job or internship. And there is always the possibility that we could still share at least two days off, but it is slim, when only one of mine is an actual weekend. 

I am frustrated with my workplace. I don't appreciate change. I don't feel valued. 

Also I have a toothache and everything is particularly annoying. 

Dental Woes

Tooth pain is the worst pain in my opinion. It's just a deep throb that can't easily be soothed and it interferes with the most simple and pleasurable of activities -- eating and drinking. I generally go a few years between dental visits. This usually results in a couple of fillings, no big deal.

Last year I began to feel some tooth pain and decided to sign up for dental insurance through my work so I could get it checked out. The pain increased and I finally got an appointment for sometime in February. I learned that the cavity was all the way to the pulp and I'd need a root canal. Not terribly pleasant, but at least the insurance made it a bit cheaper. I also had a couple of minor cavities to fill. The root canal proved an immediate relief from the near constant toothache I'd been resigned to. A couple weeks later I went in for the new crown and to fill the other cavities. This was in March. I was warned that there may be some residual sensitivity that would fade in time as the nerves rerouted and whatnot. So I dealt with the rather shocking reaction to cold. I decided that chewing on the left side would be fine for a few weeks.

I went back after two or three weeks because the sensitivity remained, and got them to adjust the bite a bit to see if that would alleviate any pressure. Last week I went in again, a full two months after the procedure. The pain had not subsided, it was extremely noticeable with cold, somewhat with hot and a bit with pressure and sweets. Again, they ground down the crown and bit and assured me that the bite would be more aligned now. Except now I'm undergoing constant, throbbing pain from the tooth as well as the sensitivity to cold, hot and pressure. I am so tired of it. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I hate wasting my days off sitting at the dentist. I hate being irritable from the pain and I hate eating lopsidedly. But I guess I'd better call the dentist first thing Tuesday.

Some Sad Day Thoughts

I am just sad.

It's not a usual emotion for me. I am generally quite optimistic, if apathetic. But not today.

The inevitability of Trump's nomination was something I was preparing myself for, but I wasn't ready. And it really just scares me. I refuse to think about what will happen come November. Regardless of whether or not he wins, his followers remain.

Besides that, I daftly decided to read the blog of one of my favorite authors -- Orson Scott Card. Now, I've known for some time that, though I adore (most of) his books, I don't agree with him politically. Basically, I should have stayed away. He is Mormon and lives in North Carolina. He doesn't actually agree with the bill, but he is none too friendly toward liberals and those in the LGBT community. It just makes me sad.

And then I read an article about my alma mater, Colorado Christian University. A law was passed some years ago requiring universities to accommodate transgender people according to their preference. CCU has requested to be exempt. And I get it. It's a Christian school. But it does receive some government funding. And it is the name on my diploma. Some students (trans, gay, atheist etc) don't have the option of not attending CCU. Sometimes it's not up to them. Parents often make the decision, hoping perhaps to sway the student, or because they are oblivious. I was one of those. Or became one after a couple years in school. Now, I do not hate CCU, or resent my time there. I met many of my current good friends during those four years. I had great professors and a good education (if a bit lacking in some areas.) It's just that rules like this are what make the suicide rates among young trans (and other queer) people rise. It is this sort of misunderstanding. This sort of "morality". This sort of dehumanization. Because that is what it is: dehumanizing. For a group of people (Christians) claiming to be full of love and forgiveness, they seem to often fall short of recognizing that other people exist.

I do exist. I attended CCU before I came out to even myself as anything other than a straight female. Yet I exclusively wore clothing purchased from the men's section. I kept my hair short. I was into adventure and video games and some other "male" things instead of "female" things. (Those are in quotes because I don't believe that interests are gendered.) However, according to the lifestyle expectations at CCU, "members of the CCU community are expected to refrain from engaging in, advocating, teaching, supporting, encouraging, defending, or excusing homosexuality, transvestitism, transvestite behavior, transgenderism and transgender behavior. (The link is for employees, but I assure you there is a similar covenant for students.) Technically, I fell under that, and have for at least 20 years of my life. But transmasculine people are often overlooked. I was not a guy in a dress, so I guess it was fine.

I am considering writing a letter to CCU as an alumnus (not alumna!), telling them a bit about myself. I doubt it would get anywhere, but perhaps it would make me feel better. I think I'll start by requesting my name be changed on my transcripts.

So today I feel the effects of oppression, though not first hand. I have never felt threatened or in any way unsafe due to my gender or sexuality. I have felt bad about myself, unsure at times, but I have never seriously contemplated suicide or serious self-harm. But I am rare among my peers (trans people have around a 50% rate of suicide attempts.) For that I am thankful, but I am one among many. And we are people. When this bill was enacted in North Carolina, the suicide hotlines blew up. People are despairing.

When I was first coming out it was difficult to find resources. It was difficult to be recognized. I was off the radar. Now trans people are in the media. And representation is fantastic, but it's drawing a lot of hate toward us. First we didn't exist, now we are actively hated. It hurts.

I am human. Please see that. We are human. We deserve at least a modicum of respect. We deserve access to healthcare, public restrooms, public spaces in general, religious universities, secular universities, jobs, houses, on and on and on.

Just like everyone else.

Trail Tuesday

Due to the wet weather this last week, today I ran on the High Line Canal Trail again. I went westward, to a new section I've never been on before. The first bit was obnoxious, as it ran along Colorado Boulevard, but after I met up with the canal again, it was beautiful. The trail was all dirt/gravel and wound among massive houses (Cherry Hills). It was really very pleasant. The temperature was perfect for running, mostly sunny, but with a nice breeze to keep the sweat from accumulating. I didn't pass many other trail users, only several maintenance vehicles. It was a nice 7 miles and I'll definitely have that segment as a backup when/if the foothills are inaccessible.

Tomorrow I am getting up a bit early to run with a friend. A good way to keep both of us motivated and accountable. It will be invaluable to get into the habit of running in the morning, as it will soon be too hot to run on my lunch breaks.

Trail Tuesday.

I sort of hate myself for posting this everywhere, but it's something of an accomplishment. Today I ran a half marathon distance on the High Line Canal Trail. This is the longest run I've done to date.

I had to take my car in for a recall repair, and I have made a habit of using my legs to get me home when I take my car to the shop. The dealership is about 6 miles from my house on the roads. However, the canal snakes its way through the city for pretty much exactly 13 miles between here and there. And crosses those roads no less than 6 times. I didn't really start out with the intention to run the whole trail. I figured I could take a straight road at any of the crossing points. But I kept not doing it.

I was pretty strong and didn't stop running at all for the first five or so miles. Then alternated running a mile or so and walking for a few minutes. Around mile 9 (and after a small snack) I got a second wind and ran for most of the remainder. It wasn't fast by any means, but it was under 3 hours, so that's cool. Now I have something to work at. And I need to get back to the real trails. The mountain trails. Next week, perhaps.

I'm finally getting back to running. It's been too long. It's amazing to me how tied my diet and my workouts are. I tend not to eat well when I'm not working out, so after taking several weeks to heal up after surgery, getting back to it is difficult. I've again decided to cut added sugars out of my diet. I have no self-control, so moderation is out the window. I will work on sweets, then work on the few other snack foods I tend to overdo it on.

It's amazing to run again. I went for a couple miles at lunch yesterday and had a slightly sore back because those stabilizer muscles became weak. Today I did about three miles and my calves are tight. It really sucks to have to basically start over. But here's to a good year. It's nearly light enough in the morning to run before work. Or perhaps I'll start running to and from work. Also watch this space for the return of Trail Tuesday.

I need to start biking to work now that the days are light and mostly warm at both ends. It's only a little over two miles the direct route, or if I wanted to meander along the canal trail it's nearly six. Or I could do some combination of the two. Anyhow, I have options.

I just feel extra sloth-like after this surgery. I know that taking it easy was a thing I was supposed to do, but I really wish I was able to keep my diet in check. Eating well and exercising go hand in hand for me. When I eat good things, I feel like being more active. When I work out, it is easy for me to eat well. I don't know exactly why this is, but it is hard for me to stay on top of both of those things.

I am mostly all healed up now, so I'm sure I can get back to all the working out I can stand. Which is hopefully plenty, so I can enjoy this new body that I paid so much for, heh.

I read a lot. But not as much as I used to. I could blame the internet. I could blame my job. Or aging. Or whatever. I don't know the reason. Probably all of those things. I get distracted more easily now. I can hardly sit through a movie let alone read for two hours.

But I remember summers as a kid. Before I had a job or any responsibilities, I would wake up at a decent time- 8 or 9- and read until noon. At least. And then after breakfast/lunch, I'd read more. And then after dinner and chores and hanging out with the family, I'd read more late into the night. We didn't have cable. I was only allowed to watch movies on weekends. We didn't have internet until I was a junior in high school, and then only dial up. My mom thought I was a depressed kid, with how much time I spent alone in my room. I don't think I was. Just introverted and enthralled with fiction. I routinely won awards in school for most books/pages read over the summer. I also supplemented my reading with writing. Never anything long, but I was fairly prolific.

Both reading and writing carried on into college. Even with easy internet access and homework, and social activities, I still managed to read nearly as much as previously. And I think I wrote even more. Biology class seemed to become a great muse.

But now, eight years out of college, I don't write anymore. And though I still read, it's at a very slow pace. In fact, many of the book I complete are audiobooks that I listen to at work.

This is appalling to me, and yet...

I always have a yearly book goal and this year with the help of Habitica, I have a daily reading goal as well. So far, I've read at least a few minutes each day for the past couple of months. It's been really nice. I still don't read as much, but I think even this small step is an improvement. One that will hopefully get me back to writing as well.