Some Sad Day Thoughts

I am just sad.

It's not a usual emotion for me. I am generally quite optimistic, if apathetic. But not today.

The inevitability of Trump's nomination was something I was preparing myself for, but I wasn't ready. And it really just scares me. I refuse to think about what will happen come November. Regardless of whether or not he wins, his followers remain.

Besides that, I daftly decided to read the blog of one of my favorite authors -- Orson Scott Card. Now, I've known for some time that, though I adore (most of) his books, I don't agree with him politically. Basically, I should have stayed away. He is Mormon and lives in North Carolina. He doesn't actually agree with the bill, but he is none too friendly toward liberals and those in the LGBT community. It just makes me sad.

And then I read an article about my alma mater, Colorado Christian University. A law was passed some years ago requiring universities to accommodate transgender people according to their preference. CCU has requested to be exempt. And I get it. It's a Christian school. But it does receive some government funding. And it is the name on my diploma. Some students (trans, gay, atheist etc) don't have the option of not attending CCU. Sometimes it's not up to them. Parents often make the decision, hoping perhaps to sway the student, or because they are oblivious. I was one of those. Or became one after a couple years in school. Now, I do not hate CCU, or resent my time there. I met many of my current good friends during those four years. I had great professors and a good education (if a bit lacking in some areas.) It's just that rules like this are what make the suicide rates among young trans (and other queer) people rise. It is this sort of misunderstanding. This sort of "morality". This sort of dehumanization. Because that is what it is: dehumanizing. For a group of people (Christians) claiming to be full of love and forgiveness, they seem to often fall short of recognizing that other people exist.

I do exist. I attended CCU before I came out to even myself as anything other than a straight female. Yet I exclusively wore clothing purchased from the men's section. I kept my hair short. I was into adventure and video games and some other "male" things instead of "female" things. (Those are in quotes because I don't believe that interests are gendered.) However, according to the lifestyle expectations at CCU, "members of the CCU community are expected to refrain from engaging in, advocating, teaching, supporting, encouraging, defending, or excusing homosexuality, transvestitism, transvestite behavior, transgenderism and transgender behavior. (The link is for employees, but I assure you there is a similar covenant for students.) Technically, I fell under that, and have for at least 20 years of my life. But transmasculine people are often overlooked. I was not a guy in a dress, so I guess it was fine.

I am considering writing a letter to CCU as an alumnus (not alumna!), telling them a bit about myself. I doubt it would get anywhere, but perhaps it would make me feel better. I think I'll start by requesting my name be changed on my transcripts.

So today I feel the effects of oppression, though not first hand. I have never felt threatened or in any way unsafe due to my gender or sexuality. I have felt bad about myself, unsure at times, but I have never seriously contemplated suicide or serious self-harm. But I am rare among my peers (trans people have around a 50% rate of suicide attempts.) For that I am thankful, but I am one among many. And we are people. When this bill was enacted in North Carolina, the suicide hotlines blew up. People are despairing.

When I was first coming out it was difficult to find resources. It was difficult to be recognized. I was off the radar. Now trans people are in the media. And representation is fantastic, but it's drawing a lot of hate toward us. First we didn't exist, now we are actively hated. It hurts.

I am human. Please see that. We are human. We deserve at least a modicum of respect. We deserve access to healthcare, public restrooms, public spaces in general, religious universities, secular universities, jobs, houses, on and on and on.

Just like everyone else.

A Lost Hope

I heard about it while I was in Africa. I had to put it out of my mind. I had to think on more immediate things. Now my senior year at Colorado Christian University approaches and the only feeling I have is of resentment. I feel that I and so many others have been cheated out of a great thing and we are powerless to get it back.

I talk of the recent dismissal of Professor Andrew Paquin (now Syed).

When I returned from Africa (as a side note, I traveled there under the mantle of The 10/10 Project, which was begun and is directed by the aforementioned professor), I signed the online petition, joined the Facebook group, and ranted quietly in my head that I was so far away and two months late. For the following month (July) I simply got on with my increasingly boring summer and tried not to be too apprehensive about my final year.

Then, four days ago, an article appeared in the Rocky Mountain News. I was sent the link that very day and rejoiced that the story made the news. More people were being informed. Then, suddenly, the internet was awash with blogs and comments about the issue (When I say awash, one must still know where to look). Even Christianity Today blogged. Andrew himself even wrote a response.

I am grateful for the comments posted as sincere opinions and documented defenses. I see that all sides of the issue are presented and very few are being pushy or disrespectful. I feel that this is Professors Paquin's best defense; his loyal (though not brainwashed!) former students and others who see his dismissal as unjust.

Though I think that there is now no hope of Andrew Paquin's return to CCU, I have some small hope that such publicity will allow the administration to understand the mistake that has been made, and rectify some thinking to prevent it from happening in the future. I'm only sorry that it did not happen sooner.