Dental Woes

Tooth pain is the worst pain in my opinion. It's just a deep throb that can't easily be soothed and it interferes with the most simple and pleasurable of activities -- eating and drinking. I generally go a few years between dental visits. This usually results in a couple of fillings, no big deal.

Last year I began to feel some tooth pain and decided to sign up for dental insurance through my work so I could get it checked out. The pain increased and I finally got an appointment for sometime in February. I learned that the cavity was all the way to the pulp and I'd need a root canal. Not terribly pleasant, but at least the insurance made it a bit cheaper. I also had a couple of minor cavities to fill. The root canal proved an immediate relief from the near constant toothache I'd been resigned to. A couple weeks later I went in for the new crown and to fill the other cavities. This was in March. I was warned that there may be some residual sensitivity that would fade in time as the nerves rerouted and whatnot. So I dealt with the rather shocking reaction to cold. I decided that chewing on the left side would be fine for a few weeks.

I went back after two or three weeks because the sensitivity remained, and got them to adjust the bite a bit to see if that would alleviate any pressure. Last week I went in again, a full two months after the procedure. The pain had not subsided, it was extremely noticeable with cold, somewhat with hot and a bit with pressure and sweets. Again, they ground down the crown and bit and assured me that the bite would be more aligned now. Except now I'm undergoing constant, throbbing pain from the tooth as well as the sensitivity to cold, hot and pressure. I am so tired of it. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I hate wasting my days off sitting at the dentist. I hate being irritable from the pain and I hate eating lopsidedly. But I guess I'd better call the dentist first thing Tuesday.

Some Sad Day Thoughts

I am just sad.

It's not a usual emotion for me. I am generally quite optimistic, if apathetic. But not today.

The inevitability of Trump's nomination was something I was preparing myself for, but I wasn't ready. And it really just scares me. I refuse to think about what will happen come November. Regardless of whether or not he wins, his followers remain.

Besides that, I daftly decided to read the blog of one of my favorite authors -- Orson Scott Card. Now, I've known for some time that, though I adore (most of) his books, I don't agree with him politically. Basically, I should have stayed away. He is Mormon and lives in North Carolina. He doesn't actually agree with the bill, but he is none too friendly toward liberals and those in the LGBT community. It just makes me sad.

And then I read an article about my alma mater, Colorado Christian University. A law was passed some years ago requiring universities to accommodate transgender people according to their preference. CCU has requested to be exempt. And I get it. It's a Christian school. But it does receive some government funding. And it is the name on my diploma. Some students (trans, gay, atheist etc) don't have the option of not attending CCU. Sometimes it's not up to them. Parents often make the decision, hoping perhaps to sway the student, or because they are oblivious. I was one of those. Or became one after a couple years in school. Now, I do not hate CCU, or resent my time there. I met many of my current good friends during those four years. I had great professors and a good education (if a bit lacking in some areas.) It's just that rules like this are what make the suicide rates among young trans (and other queer) people rise. It is this sort of misunderstanding. This sort of "morality". This sort of dehumanization. Because that is what it is: dehumanizing. For a group of people (Christians) claiming to be full of love and forgiveness, they seem to often fall short of recognizing that other people exist.

I do exist. I attended CCU before I came out to even myself as anything other than a straight female. Yet I exclusively wore clothing purchased from the men's section. I kept my hair short. I was into adventure and video games and some other "male" things instead of "female" things. (Those are in quotes because I don't believe that interests are gendered.) However, according to the lifestyle expectations at CCU, "members of the CCU community are expected to refrain from engaging in, advocating, teaching, supporting, encouraging, defending, or excusing homosexuality, transvestitism, transvestite behavior, transgenderism and transgender behavior. (The link is for employees, but I assure you there is a similar covenant for students.) Technically, I fell under that, and have for at least 20 years of my life. But transmasculine people are often overlooked. I was not a guy in a dress, so I guess it was fine.

I am considering writing a letter to CCU as an alumnus (not alumna!), telling them a bit about myself. I doubt it would get anywhere, but perhaps it would make me feel better. I think I'll start by requesting my name be changed on my transcripts.

So today I feel the effects of oppression, though not first hand. I have never felt threatened or in any way unsafe due to my gender or sexuality. I have felt bad about myself, unsure at times, but I have never seriously contemplated suicide or serious self-harm. But I am rare among my peers (trans people have around a 50% rate of suicide attempts.) For that I am thankful, but I am one among many. And we are people. When this bill was enacted in North Carolina, the suicide hotlines blew up. People are despairing.

When I was first coming out it was difficult to find resources. It was difficult to be recognized. I was off the radar. Now trans people are in the media. And representation is fantastic, but it's drawing a lot of hate toward us. First we didn't exist, now we are actively hated. It hurts.

I am human. Please see that. We are human. We deserve at least a modicum of respect. We deserve access to healthcare, public restrooms, public spaces in general, religious universities, secular universities, jobs, houses, on and on and on.

Just like everyone else.

Trail Tuesday

Due to the wet weather this last week, today I ran on the High Line Canal Trail again. I went westward, to a new section I've never been on before. The first bit was obnoxious, as it ran along Colorado Boulevard, but after I met up with the canal again, it was beautiful. The trail was all dirt/gravel and wound among massive houses (Cherry Hills). It was really very pleasant. The temperature was perfect for running, mostly sunny, but with a nice breeze to keep the sweat from accumulating. I didn't pass many other trail users, only several maintenance vehicles. It was a nice 7 miles and I'll definitely have that segment as a backup when/if the foothills are inaccessible.

Tomorrow I am getting up a bit early to run with a friend. A good way to keep both of us motivated and accountable. It will be invaluable to get into the habit of running in the morning, as it will soon be too hot to run on my lunch breaks.

Trail Tuesday.

I sort of hate myself for posting this everywhere, but it's something of an accomplishment. Today I ran a half marathon distance on the High Line Canal Trail. This is the longest run I've done to date.

I had to take my car in for a recall repair, and I have made a habit of using my legs to get me home when I take my car to the shop. The dealership is about 6 miles from my house on the roads. However, the canal snakes its way through the city for pretty much exactly 13 miles between here and there. And crosses those roads no less than 6 times. I didn't really start out with the intention to run the whole trail. I figured I could take a straight road at any of the crossing points. But I kept not doing it.

I was pretty strong and didn't stop running at all for the first five or so miles. Then alternated running a mile or so and walking for a few minutes. Around mile 9 (and after a small snack) I got a second wind and ran for most of the remainder. It wasn't fast by any means, but it was under 3 hours, so that's cool. Now I have something to work at. And I need to get back to the real trails. The mountain trails. Next week, perhaps.

I'm finally getting back to running. It's been too long. It's amazing to me how tied my diet and my workouts are. I tend not to eat well when I'm not working out, so after taking several weeks to heal up after surgery, getting back to it is difficult. I've again decided to cut added sugars out of my diet. I have no self-control, so moderation is out the window. I will work on sweets, then work on the few other snack foods I tend to overdo it on.

It's amazing to run again. I went for a couple miles at lunch yesterday and had a slightly sore back because those stabilizer muscles became weak. Today I did about three miles and my calves are tight. It really sucks to have to basically start over. But here's to a good year. It's nearly light enough in the morning to run before work. Or perhaps I'll start running to and from work. Also watch this space for the return of Trail Tuesday.

I need to start biking to work now that the days are light and mostly warm at both ends. It's only a little over two miles the direct route, or if I wanted to meander along the canal trail it's nearly six. Or I could do some combination of the two. Anyhow, I have options.

I just feel extra sloth-like after this surgery. I know that taking it easy was a thing I was supposed to do, but I really wish I was able to keep my diet in check. Eating well and exercising go hand in hand for me. When I eat good things, I feel like being more active. When I work out, it is easy for me to eat well. I don't know exactly why this is, but it is hard for me to stay on top of both of those things.

I am mostly all healed up now, so I'm sure I can get back to all the working out I can stand. Which is hopefully plenty, so I can enjoy this new body that I paid so much for, heh.

I read a lot. But not as much as I used to. I could blame the internet. I could blame my job. Or aging. Or whatever. I don't know the reason. Probably all of those things. I get distracted more easily now. I can hardly sit through a movie let alone read for two hours.

But I remember summers as a kid. Before I had a job or any responsibilities, I would wake up at a decent time- 8 or 9- and read until noon. At least. And then after breakfast/lunch, I'd read more. And then after dinner and chores and hanging out with the family, I'd read more late into the night. We didn't have cable. I was only allowed to watch movies on weekends. We didn't have internet until I was a junior in high school, and then only dial up. My mom thought I was a depressed kid, with how much time I spent alone in my room. I don't think I was. Just introverted and enthralled with fiction. I routinely won awards in school for most books/pages read over the summer. I also supplemented my reading with writing. Never anything long, but I was fairly prolific.

Both reading and writing carried on into college. Even with easy internet access and homework, and social activities, I still managed to read nearly as much as previously. And I think I wrote even more. Biology class seemed to become a great muse.

But now, eight years out of college, I don't write anymore. And though I still read, it's at a very slow pace. In fact, many of the book I complete are audiobooks that I listen to at work.

This is appalling to me, and yet...

I always have a yearly book goal and this year with the help of Habitica, I have a daily reading goal as well. So far, I've read at least a few minutes each day for the past couple of months. It's been really nice. I still don't read as much, but I think even this small step is an improvement. One that will hopefully get me back to writing as well.

I've been reading more now that I have some time to kill. Hopefully, I'll also start writing a bit. I really don't know what's kept me in such a slump. I haven't really written anything of note for about 6 years or more. Once it was the only thing that really made me happy. It was something I thought I was pretty good at. Something I liked doing, and something I found easy to do.

Not so easy anymore, apparently, though all sources say reading more will help one write more. So I'm working on that aspect.

And trying to feel some emotions, that apparently helps too. But I've also become really bad at that lately. This year is apparently the year of extreme apathy. Even more so than previous years and that's saying something. I can't really feel. I don't think I want to.

maundering

I've been rather down lately. I don't know why really. The weather has been lovely (though I have no problem with snow and cold either) the days are getting longer, I can very nearly see light when I wake up. Soon I'll run the mornings again. I've really been lacking the runs. I don't know why. It's still something I really enjoy when I actually do it, but the motivation seems to have deserted me. I was trying to train for a half marathon in May, but I definitely haven't been keeping up on the program. Perhaps I still can if I work at it.

Except. I get surgery at the begining of March. Which is super exciting and I'm glad it's finally going to happen and hopefully be over. I could have had this second surgery as early as last August, but I kept pushing it back. Saving money. Saving up time off. Extending the hiking/camping season. Then there was some fighting with my insurance which I ended up giving up on. So anyway, almost a year after the first surgery, I'll get the finishing touches and perhaps end up with a chest with which I can truly be happy.

I went the dentist today. I've had some tooth pain for a couple of months that really got bad lately. Welp, I waited too long and am in need of a root canal. Good thing I signed up for dental insurance at work for this year. Still wasn't expecting to have to drop that much money in a short period of time.

I really need/want a new laptop. This one is going on 8 years old. It's slow and has very little storage capacity. But that will just have to wait.

Before I knew about my dental problems, I bought more running shoes. They should arrive later this week. So at least I have something to look forward to.

Phone Case Woes

When I'm upset or generally just "off" in any way, I tend to shop. Mostly, online, though it does tend to spill over sometimes. Anyhow, I go on Amazon and eBay and buy movies and books mostly, and wall decor and games, and clothes... anything and everything, really. 

I generally have very few problems with the purchasing and receiving of items. Except with one thing lately.

A few months ago I bought a new phone as the screen to my previous one was cracked. It's a nice phone and a relatively expensive one, so naturally I want to keep it protected. So I bought a case. It was a very pretty case made of wood. When it arrived it fit perfectly, huzzah! Except I noted that it was lacking a hole cut where the charging port would be. Obviously a problem. So I wrote to the seller. They told me it was a manufacturing error and that they would make more and send another. A couple weeks went by and I worried about my poor, vulnerable phone, so I contacted them again, asking for a refund and I continued looking for a case.

I decided to go with the super inexpensive ones that are mostly just decorative covers. I assumed that would be good enough. I had a hard time narrowing down the design I wanted, but settled for a map of Middle Earth. Obviously. It arrived from some far away land and I snapped it onto my phone. Not a whole lot of protection, but better than nothing. Until I dropped it and broke a piece off. I contacted the seller for a refund, and realized that though this case fits even with a piece broken, and moderately protects, I need something more sturdy and shock resistant.

I found a case similar to the first one but made of bamboo, that appears to have all the proper cuts in it, and ordered that. It was not as pretty as the first, but it looked nice. I slid my phone in and almost immediately dropped it. Good news: my phone survived without a scratch. The case, not so much. It split down the center and broke in two parts. So I contacted that seller and told them the product was basically useless and I got a refund.

So I thought, the LOTR map one is doing okay, but I needed real protection. Let's up my phone case budget and look at Otter Boxes. Definitely worth the price. Except my phone is the compact or mini version of a phone, so that company doesn't actually make one for my phone. I found a few similar ones, I am trying to keep it slim and small (hence: compact). I don't want the bulky rubber cases I kept finding. But finally I found one. Similar to Otter Box and more affordable from the Amazon Warehouse. I ordered. Package arrived. The case that was sent was for the normal size, not the compact. Bugger. I went through the returns process and after a couple weeks received my refund.

I figured that it was a simple mistake at the warehouse, so I decided to order from the same place again assuming that the mistake would not be repeated. I assumed wrong. Yesterday I received the second phone case. It is for the regular size and not the compact. I am annoyed and frustrated. It's not the money. It's the time. My poor phone is all but unprotected in this harsh world and Amazon is obviously toying with me. I wrote their customer service and they promptly responded, giving me a refund, telling me to order another and send them the order information and they would cover any shipping charges and any price change from the last product. Cool. Let's see if this works.